Chapter 58 - pain

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A week later

POV Grayson


Mao is still at the hospital. It's been a week and a few days now. But I don't know what the worst is, the fact that she is not feeling better, or the fact that she is not feeling worse ? I don't know anymore at this point. Sometimes I look at her and I wish she could stop being in so much pain. But then I remember what it would be like if she dies.


So much pain.

And I feel selfish sometimes for not wanting her to die. Because I want to spend more time with her, I want to laugh and talk with her, even if it's just for one more minute.

Ethan never came back home. He stayed at the hospital and never left Mao's side.
He sleeps in the armchair they put there for him, he take care of her, make sure she takes her pills and help her with everything she needs help for. I honestly don't know where he finds this much strength.

When I left the house this morning to visit Mao, I was expecting to go there and see Ethan awake and already doing everything he could so she can feel better.

And I was right.

He never stops, I think he can't.


Mao was awake, she was on her phone looking through her pictures while I was sat next to her, listening to her telling me the story behind each pictures.
She has this little stars in her eyes when she talks, it's beautiful. The same I saw this day on the plane a year ago.

Oh wow...

I can't believe it has been a year.

I feel like it was yesterday.

But so many things happened. So many things changed.
I know I changed.
I really tried to appreciate life a little bit more than I had in the past. I spent more time with my friends, and more time doing what I love the most.

This year I learned that life is too short to procrastinate.

So I wrote a lot, came up with so many videos idea and new projects, I helped Emma film and went thrift shopping with her when she needed arms to carry her bags, I let James use my face when he needed a draft before creating a new experimental makeup look, I let him sing in my car, I agreed to play Fortnite with e when he needed company but didn't wanted to talk, I let Mao teach me how to cook and how to sail, and Bryan how to use a camera. I spent hours and hours with Romeo, letting him tattoo my body.

And so many other things.

But this year I also learned pain.

Not the one you feel when you get your heart broken, not the one you feel when you break your arm, but this constant fear, this constant realization that everything could disappear at any moment, this constant realization that this is not forever.

I found myself praying.

For a miracle. For more time.

I look at Mao and I feel so sick. I have this pain on my chest, and I'm scared, so scared that I constantly have this hole feeling in my stomach, like a black hole, eating me from the inside.
I hate this feeling.

She is family now, and she'll always be a part of who I am.


When Ethan came back from the bathroom I realized how tired he was. His under eyes bags were literally a mixture between black and purple. Like a black eye.
His hair is a mess and disgusting, and that's how I realized that he has not taken any shower since he came back from New York. In fact I think he hadn't taken a single second to take care of himself, in any ways possible.

When he realized that I was looking at him he give me a small smile, but I knew he only did that so I won't get worried. But he failed, I can read in him like in an open book.

I got up from my seat and squeezed Mao's hand. She looked at me and saw me looking at Ethan.

"Go." She said softly with a smile.

I nodded and walked towards Ethan.

"E, can you show me where i can buy a coffee please ?" I asked him.

At first he looked hesitant, looked at Mao then back at me, then back at Mao. She smiled at him.

"I'm okay, go." She told him.

Ethan looked at me one more time.


And we made our way to the elevator. E was so pale and skinny, he lost so much weight this past month, I'm scared.

And when we were finally in the elevator, he leaned against the door and closed his eyes.

"You look tired." I told him.

He nodded, not even opening his eyes.

"You should go back home for a few nights, to get some actual real sleeps."

Ethan runs a hand through his hair and breathes heavily, completely exhausted.

"I'll come back home when Mao's gone, I promise." He told me, almost whispering.

And I could have never prepared myself enough for the pain that surged through my body at this moment.

And I could have never prepared myself enough for the pain that surged through my body at this moment

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