Glutton for punishment much? It's weird how we can find ourselves repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Never quite learning even when we think we finally understand.
I realized as I turned in my letter of resignation that I was going to be starting over. Again. It was exhausting but this, it would seem, would be my life. It was a bed I had made a long time ago and now it was time to lay in it.
I had no friends and that reality was not lost on me. Jolie and I hadn't spoken in years. Her life of sin now didn't seem to matter that much but she would never forgive me and even if she would I couldn't forgive myself.
There was always Amanda. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to reach out to her. Each time I thought I could forgive her I found myself relieving the anger of her betrayal. I remember it like it was yesterday.
She was turning 15 and she wanted me to go out with her to celebrate her big day. Her greyish brown eyes bore into me as she stood in front of me in my bedroom.
"Please, Cathy," she begged.
"Come out with me." I stared at those big round eyes of her and felt a little envious of her beauty.
Her golden blonde curls flowed down her shoulders towards the center of her back. My curly black hair paled in comparison, I secretly wished that I could have hair like hers. Maybe Mr. Beautiful would have been able to forgive me if I looked more like Amanda.
I knew she wanted me to go with her but I was selfish. I didn't want to go. I wanted to be home. I wanted to take some time for myself and mourn my own losses. This was around the time that Tom and I were fighting and the thought of being out just didn't sit right with me.
I turned around to face her and put on a big fake smile.
"I'd love to go" I lied. "But my mom isn't going to let me go out tonight. It's a school night." I honestly thought that this lie was foolproof.
I had underestimated her grit and determination.
"That's it? I can ask her for you. I'm sure she will say yes to me." her face lit up into the brightest smile I'd ever seen.
I couldn't help but inwardly chuckle to myself. She was so foolish to think that my mother would grant her permission to keep me out on a school night. Imagine my surprise when she marched straight into our kitchen and asked her. Imagine now, how surprised I was when she said yes.
"But mom" I cried. "It's a school night."
My mother looked at me for just a moment before she returned her gaze to the stove top where she was preparing dinner.
"If you want to go I see no reason to stop it. It isn't every day that a young woman turns 15. Go and have fun just be home by 10," she said.
Amanda's face lit up even more if that were even possible. Her cheeks blushed and I knew that there was no way to back out of this. I would go with her and I wouldn't enjoy myself. Dread kicked in.
"I've got no money," I warned her, deciding to play my last card.
The girl would not be swayed.
"I've got you," she said.
With those words, the conversation ended and I had to find an outfit to wear. Within an hour she and I were on the bus heading uptown. We were now roughly 110 blocks away from home. She pulled me off the bus at the stop on 115th street and 1st Ave.
I remember watching the numbers go up and up as the weight of what was happening settled in on me. I wouldn't get home from here without her. I had no money. I couldn't walk this many blocks by myself. My dependency on her put me on edge so when she offered to purchase some beer I happily accepted her offer.
We walked to one of the several corner stores on this street where she purchased 4-40 ounce Buds. No one carded in the city. No one cared. It was common for parents to send their kids for liquor so buying the 40's was no biggie.
Once I held the first paper wrapped bottle in my hand I drank it down within the first two minutes. I tossed the empty bottle in the trash carefully pulling off the paper bag so I could wrap it around the second one. She eyed me carefully as I slowly opened the second bottle and I had begun to take deep swigs.
"Damn girl, slow down. You are going to get shitfaced," she said.
I knew she was right but I wanted to forget that I was here. I felt like such a terrible friend but I was sad about the way I had left things with Tom. A part of me wanted to reach out to him and apologize but the other part of me knew I could never do that.
We started walking up towards 120th street where Amanda's friends had been waiting for her. There was a small playground between 1st and 2nd ave. A few of Amanda's friends from her school showed up. I quickly eyed them over to determine whether or not I should be nice or mean.
My eyes spotted one of the guys and I noticed that he was pretty cute. He had black curly hair and olive skin. His green eyes glimmered in the night. The alcohol had started to settle into my system and my judgement was becoming cloudy. I was growing hot and bothered by this stranger.
When he came up close to me to say hello, I leaned into him allowing him to feel my breasts on his arm. His green eyes flickered and I knew I had him. He pulled me into him and kissed me lightly at first. My head was swimming and I wanted to be lost in him. I deepened the kiss and he didn't complain.
"um hmm," Amanda said breaking the spell this stranger had cast on me.
"Hey, let's go for a swim" she chimed.
I looked around me. My head still in a fog.
"A swim?" I asked incredulously. "Where?"
"It's just a few blocks away," she said.
I looked at the rest of the people in the group. There were two small females, both fairly slender, cute in a button nose kind of way. There were four males, it quickly occurred to me that I had been set up to 'spend time' with this handsome stranger.
I shouldn't have been surprised, Amanda knew my type. He fit the mold quite well. I would be angry with her about this but not right now. Right now, I wanted to forget how miserable I was an enjoy myself a little.
Author's note: She got way to drunk to be making these types of decisions. What do you think? Vote if you like it and as always thank you for reading. Updated 2/3/19
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