The Mirage

81 7 2

Author: NkechiAjogwu

Genre: Romance

I find the cover to be quite bland and I don't understand how it resembles the story. I don't see it's significance, and the title is also a bit difficult to read. The title, on the other hand, makes plenty of sense, as you incorporate its meaning into the story. 

Grammatical errors:

Prologue: "It was going to rain heavily and she was already late for lunch, Cassandra Dike thought as she dressed her hat properly for the service." When you are writing a character's direct thoughts, make sure you italicize them so that your audience can clearly see when a character is thinking vs. when you are describing the story. 
Chapter 1: "I would get it right away ma'am..." The correct word here is "will." By saying "I would get it," the audience assumes that the maid is giving an excuse for not getting Cassandra's hat. 

Be sure to use proper punctuation as you write. I noticed some areas throughout your story where you entirely forgot to use periods when using dialogue. Also, keep in mind that you should use commas or periods for dialogue tags in order to effectively depict what the characters are saying. Make sure you are also capitalizing proper nouns and the first letter of a new sentence, as I observed several places where capitalization was not used. The use of multiple exclamation points is also not necessary. When a character exclaims or you are describing a loud or aggressive noise, only one exclamation point should be used.

I also feel that your story somewhat lacks sensory details. Your writing is quite good aside from punctuation mistakes, but you could add to your descriptions a bit further. Try to mention what the setting smelled like, sounded like, looked like, etc. throughout the story so that your audience can constantly imagine it. 

I thought the plot was quite interesting, but your story started off very quickly with very little background information. I feel that it would be helpful to your audience if you provided more background details into the prologue to start off the story and give your readers a sense of where the story takes place. 

I feel that your story got off to a very fast-paced start, and it was difficult to really follow along without having any sense of what the characters were like. Who is Cassandra? What is her personality like? Who is her family? Is she wealthy or poor? What does she look like? These questions should be mentioned earlier in the story, but without being blatantly stated. Perhaps you could subtly include this information throughout your prologue and first couple chapters. 

Because I didn't have an understanding for the characters, I couldn't really understand Cassandra and Andrew's relationship or why they acted the way that they did around one another. 

Overall, I thought the story was interesting and you included plenty of suspense and drama. I suggest you go back through the story and correct any punctuation errors, and perhaps include some additional small descriptions here and there. 

*Analysis is based on the first 5 chapters

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