Love of my life, you've hurt me.
"God bless Dad and thanks for the stars. God hears amen wherever we are, and I love you." I sing to Thomas as I brush his hair out of his face while he lays in my lap on the couch. "My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings, Godspeed, sweet dreams." I kiss the top of his head and notice that he's fast asleep. I chuckle softly and rearrange myself to pick him up and carry him to bed.
I walk down the familiar hallway of the house and lay him down in his shared bedroom with Melody, tucking him in and kissing his forehead softly before closing the door behind me. I let out a small sigh as I walk back to the living room, resenting the fact that we're still stuck in Charming. I feel my body tense up with each passing day, awaiting a tragedy or some dramatic event to take place. This place is a hell-hole.
I run my hands through my hair and begin doing the dishes from dinner. Another dinner without Jax, no word, no anything. I feel tears sting my eyes and I let them fall down my face, wishing things were different. Maybe if Jax and I got together when we were younger, none of this would be happening- the club, the murders, the crime. I sigh, not knowing what direction to take from all of this. From Jax making a deal with the Feds, to Gemma and Tara being killed, from the club, from Jax.
"Love of my life, you've hurt me. You've broken my heart, and now you leave me. Love of my life, can't you see?" I sing softly as I continue to scrub at the dishes covered in ketchup from the chicken nuggets. "Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me because you don't know what it means to me." My heart breaking with each word of the Queen song.
I finish the dishes and look around for my purse, digging through it to find the leather notepad I've carried around for years. I look at the book and pick it up, revealing the pages with a thousand scribbled words. I reach for the pen and take the book, walking to the back deck with it in my hands. I light a candle and set the notepad down, hoping this puts my mind at ease.
I stand in the club lot and sigh, exhaling the nicotine from my cigarette and feeling my body ache in stress and fear for the future. I lean against my bike and feel my mind race as I stand there alone. I shake my head, reflecting on the things that have happened over the last handful of years. Being reunited with Al, marrying her, her being kidnapped, Abel being kidnapped, Tara dying and coming back, Gemma's death, me leaving the kids. Things that a man would deeply regret and be ashamed of. Actions that not many people can do, but to an outlaw, to a bad man, it's just another day.
"Hey kid." I hear a voice call out to me. I turn around and see Tig walking towards me. I raise my eyebrow at him, not wanting to engage in another yelling match with my father-in-law. "We need to talk." He tells me, and I just nod, going along with his direction.
"You need to figure this shit out." He says bluntly, standing beside me but not looking at me. "Figure out your priorities and what you're going to do. Is it the kids and Al, or the club? You can't keep stringing them into this shit; they deserve more than that, and they deserve to know if they really are as important as you say they are." He sighs, "I have a feeling the club will always reign over them, leaving them as a second or last priority." He admits.
I look over at the older man and sigh, "You know that ain't true, Tig." I reassure him. "They're my everything, and they know that, everyone does. Hell, they're tattooed on my body, they're my life line."
Tig shakes his head, "Nah, not everyone knows that. I think you like to tell yourself that they are your everything, but you've done nothing to prove it. Instead you drag them back to Charming, have Al nearly arrested, and make a deal with the feds, only making their trip here longer." Tig begins to get angry, "What do you want her to do? Move her life for you again? Wait for you to figure this shit out or leave the club? I'm kind of confused here Jax, and if I'm confused and angry, God knows how Al is feeling."