With Every Heartbeat

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"I've known you forever..." That's what you told me and although I was confused, I smiled.

"Um...okay..." I mumbled.

Yes, we've known each other forever, your twin brother being my best friend, my first crush, my first heartache, my unrequited love. And you're his brother so that makes you mine too. Or so I thought.

See, your brother and I share everything - his shirts, my backpacks, his posters, my manga, our parents, you... So when you told me three weeks ago that you wanted to talk to me I never thought I'd end up surprised, confused, and devastated.

"So...how are you?" you asked and I truly wasn't sure where the conversation was going.

"Great..." I said.

"Good..." you replied.

"Um...why did you bring me here?"

"Because...um...because the sunset....looks...best from here..."

"Ahh..."

You were squirming and it was unnerving to see you squirm. I've known you as the confident eldest although you're only seven minutes older than my best friend and four months older than me. But, to me, you'd always be a tier above us, rowdy kids.

"Are you okay?" I asked alarmed to see you so anxious.

You nodded. "Yes..."

"Can I help you with anything?"

"I just want to ask you something..."

"Go ahead..."

"Um..."

I smiled. "Is this about a girl?"

Your face flared and I laughed because I thought that you wanted a bit of romantic advice from me.

"Just a warning, I've never had a boyfriend—"

You smiled. "I know..."

"So...I might not be the person you need right now. Do you want to talk to my sister? She's more experienced in this matter."

"No...you're...I want to talk to you..."

I frowned. "Okay..." I said before I laughed again. "Are you sure?"

"Yes..."

"You might have expectations and I might not be able to deliver."

"I am sure that you'll do just fine..."

"Okay...so, what do you want to talk to me about?"

You stared at me opening your mouth before closing it again.

"River, what's wrong?" I laughingly asked. "Is there a girl you like?"

"Yes..." You sounded relieved.

"So, tell her."

"I'm trying...."

"You might need to try harder," I jokingly told you.

"I know..." you uttered before you inhaled deeply. "The sunset brings out the highlights in your hair..."

I gaped in confusion at you. "Excuse me?"

"Your hair..."

I searched your face. "River, are you really okay?"

You chuckled. "Do I look like I am not okay, Kaia?"

"You're not taking drugs, are you?"

"No," you said shaking your head and laughing softly.

"Then tell me what's wrong?"

"There's nothing wrong, I am just being honest."

"Okay...so you like my hair, huh?"

You nodded, your face turning deep crimson.

"Thank you," I sincerely replied. "You can stop blushing now," I added and laughed when you blushed some more. "You and Brooklyn are so different. You're complete opposites..."

"We are..." you said. "He's the life of the party and I'm just...me..."

We both grew quiet.

"Kaia..."

I turned my head to look at you. "Yes?"

"I will miss you..."

"I will miss you, too. I know you're leaving in two weeks. Don't forget to call us."

"I won't."

"You better not."

"Kaia..."

"Yes?"

You inhaled deeply. "I love you..."

I stared at you a hundred percent certain that I must have misheard you.

"I have loved you for years..."

"No..." I said shaking my head. "You can't..."

"Why?" you asked.

"Because you're my brother," I said and I saw how sorrow blanketed your face.

"River—"

You pushed to your feet. "I'm sorry...this must be uncomfortable for you. But I knew that I would regret not telling you so I did...I'm sorry for—"

I stood taking both your hands in mine. "River, I love you as a brother. And that's not going to change ever—"

"I want more from you..."

"I can't give you more than that."

"It's still Brooklyn, isn't it?" you asked.

I stared at you torn between being embarrassed that you knew and marveling about how you did.

"I could see it from a mile away..." you told me with a feeble smile. "I have always wondered why it couldn't be me..." you said. "And as I watched you watch him, I have always wished that you'd turn your gaze to me instead..."

You lowered your head. "I'm sorry for burdening you like this, Kaia. I knew how it would turn out but I still took the risk because you're worth it. Even when you don't see me, even when you don't hear me, even when you don't feel me, I kept on hoping..."

"Look, River—"

"I promise to be the brother you want me to be. But, can I ask a favor? Can you give me two weeks to deal with this pain?" you said before you nodded curtly at me and then left.

That brought us to where we are now – you not talking to me, you acting like I don't even exist, you not taking my phone calls and ignoring my e-mails and messages.

Which brought me to where I am — confused, hurt, and bleeding. Here I am unable to sleep thinking about you. Here I am reliving in my head what you told me. Here I am crying in your brother's arms not telling him why.

Here I am, River.

I hear you.

I see you.

I feel you.

I'm hurting.

I'm aching.

I'm missing you.

Here I am regretting not realizing sooner that it has always been you...

But, it's too late, isn't it?

You walked away and left me where I was...

Still, here I am waiting and I will continue to wait.

But, please, don't take too long...





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AUTHOR'S NOTE 2024:

I like this kind of boredom. I checked the stories that I was able to get back and some of them were written because I was bored. Adulting must have really messed me up because bored me just sleeps now instead of write. Hahahahaha!

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