Envy is my Sin

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~Joss' story

This is my own personal story...the 4 parts were just in general for both of us, and I intend to tell just my end. This is after my trip through the Gateway...

I already told you they called me Envy....and I already said why. What I didn't say is that everyone called me Envy and only my family knew my actual name...even tho it said I was Jossiline on the papers...I even had to sign my papers as Envy or else they wouldn't know it was me. When they called on me, it was always Envy...they called me Green as well...supposedly to taunt me...didn't work.

I had no friends because I was tormented...mother and sister were the only nice ones. At 1 time...I had to do a project. A simple report; my name, where I was born...family and friends...this is what I wrote.

Name: I suppose you can call me Envy

What I see in my name: My name is Envy, because everyone has what I don't...because I have no reason to move on except my own weakness...I'm to weak to stop them, to weak to care, to weak to stay here and to weak to move on...I am Envy, because I long for what I can never have...

State of Birth: I was born in the State of Confusion, I suppose...

Family: my sister, Cylon, my mother, Chelsy, and the animals in the forest...I don't consider my brother or my so-called father family so I guess you could say I'm more animal then anything...which is fine by me, because I loath humankind...

Friends: Friends? Friends...does that mean things I keep close to me...things or...I suppose, to most, people...correct? Agony...Misery...Hate...Rage...Sadness...Depression, Deception...and somehow containing all of these with as few signs of it as possible...tell me, teach...am I doing well? All of my "friends" are in my own head. What human would wish to be associated with envy?

Things I like: Animals...my sister and my mother. Honesty, alchemy, science, building.

Things I hate (dislike, I suppose was your wording): Humans. Long story...I hate them because of what they do...and what they represent to me...

Any Diseases I Have: Anti-Social Personality Disorder. It means I have lack of empathy towards other people...a sort of hatred towards them.

Extra: they say Envy is Ignorance...but I say that it's wrong. Envy, to me, it happens when you realize what everyone has and they all consider those things normal to have. They think nothing of them because they're basic things...and you find out that what they have is something you hate and yet...you want it so badly it hurts. If you look Envy up in the dictionary...the word "Obsolete" will be listed, along with "Ill Will" and a few others. Obsolete...and I'm called Envy...I suppose both of those 2 work for me...with my meaning to this world, I suppose I am an obsolete speck. A swirling mass of hatred and envy...but still, an obsolete speck. "Spite and resentment at seeing the success of another" is one of the explanations...that fits pretty well. Though, it's not really success but...my lacking of it. The so-called humanity that they're all so proud of...but it's so fragile that 1 disruption sends us all back in time and proves again that all a human is, all they can ever be...are beasts living in man-made jungles and hating all of those who aren't like themselves. Simply because they don't look like u, they don't pray to the same invisible man as you, they don't ware the same hat as you...whatever the stupid reason they come up with. "Painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage." I don't think advantage is so much the right word...more like a longing for something I don't have. I despise humans...I think in part because I can never be 1 of them. Even though I was born human, I have the mentality of animals. I think it's because humans lack many things that I want...honesty is the big 1. Along with that; loyalty, respect, and caring are on the top of the list...

After I turned in this paper she wrote that we had to talk...she said to meet her after school. All I had to say when I walked out of the class room was "you asked for an honest report...a paper about who I am...all I did was give you that. You can't patronize me for doing what you asked me to do." and I left with her staring at me, dumb-found.

I think the teachers knew something was wrong...but they wouldn't ask. I always wore the same white, lace dress...it was a gift from my grandmother and the only thing I had left of her. Father hated that dress...so I always had to ware something different when I left and change into it somewhere on the way to school. I know it seems weird...to ware it over and over...but there was something about it that I loved...and it was the only lace dress I owned other then when mother had me ware 1 of her old ones. In a way, I think I was hiding my bruises and cuts...with that dress...

Since I was born I was afraid of storms. Rain and thunder and lightning...but there was always a voice...it sang to me comfortingly but had no body...somehow, despite that fact...it was soothing. My mother never sang to me...and it was a male voice anyways...it seems weird, to have an attachment to a voice that came from nowhere...

Daily life was still the same...a few weeks after there was a new guy in my school...and my classes. We had almost the same schedule. He was tall with dark blonde hair and green eyes that fascinated me for reasons I couldn't explain even if I wanted to...

1 day a storm started during school...and I did as I always do...I started mumbling the words of the song, not caring that there was anyone there...or that the new boy was next to me and would know I was afraid of storms. I never really cared what people thought of me. But then I noticed that he was mumbling the same song...and the voice...it couldn't possibly be...I pushed it aside. After all, it couldn't be...it's not possible...I thought. And I suppose it didn't matter...he stopped going to our school a few days after that. Apparently he moved or something.

Now, about my life on the other side of the gate, it was the same story with different characters...I'm not even going to revisit what he did to us on our 13th birthday...but on the other side it was pretty much the same only a smaller scale...

A few weeks after that he killed mother...just like on the other side...and just like the other side it was storming that day. In fact, that's where my fear of storms came from....the fact that my mother was killed by my father on the other side during 1...I have a photographic memory and unfortunately it means I don't forget things no matter how much I want too...

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