Wait, I Love You

-Alice Mccarthy-

She's been out the whole day, she even didn't bother to leave a text. I don't care actually, she's never done anything for me anyways.

She sobs,cries and screams all day. I'm just waiting to move out and let her bare her own burden.

The evening breeze blew the front door close leaving behind a loud thud that made Ballo jump which also left me unsettling thoughts. I don't really understand anything anymore.  

Now days things are different between us. We never seem to behave like we used to. Maybe the fact that I'm getting married to her ex now best friend is taking a toll on her but either way it's still my life. To summarise it all we never liked her growing up.

I was coming from a wealthy background and she from mediocre one. I was only seen in popular events and only been fed with branded products.

However, my parents would always be out of town because they needed to attend other needs and I was always left at home with the maids and my home school teacher.  

When I stepped into high school I made my decision to join a convent so that I could experience a proper actual school life.

True enough I regretted it, waking up at 5am everyday to pray the rosary was tiring. Months passed and I've still never made a close friend, until early September.

I remember that day clearly, everybody was talking about how great this girl was, that she was able to pass all four of her main test with fantastic results and how the sisters were proud of her and some other main thing like that.  

I was curious to know who she was and so I woke up the next day to watch her receive her award. That's when I met Emma. She looked so confident and till this day she is the same.

She stood up there with guts and she spoke lively with no fear. I was always wanting a person like her to play a part in my life, but now I regret everything.

 /..

"I'm home!" She said as she walked in. She looked happy today, and mind you that it takes a lot to put a smile on her.

  "Where were you?" I asked. "I was having breakfast when I met Mr. Park, he took me out the whole day. We went to the new fair in town." She said with joy.  

"Haha." I said not knowing what to respond. 

 "Well, I'm going to have a bathe. Do you need me to help out with anything?" She asked as she stood up. 

 "Nope." I said. Without saying anything she walked in her room and shut the door. I really felt like asking her what was actually she trying to get out of me but I just kept silent anyway.

When she was with William they would always get home late and I was always left to do everything on my own. I was in charge of cooking, cleaning and all the other possible work at home. Yes, she doesn't make a mess nor ask for help when she's doing the chores but I felt burdened. She wakes up and she gets going and that's her routine. Since I'm home half of the time I feel left out. 

 I can't help hating her, it feels like a virtue. She seems to get appreciation from everyone around her even my fiancé but I am just always left out and lonely. 

 "Alice, could you pass me my towel?" She asked. I took the towel with reluctant and passed it to her. She's just digging the good in me.

 /..

I woke up early today. It's sunday and a day of obligation. As I sat in the tub, I realised that I have been behaving wrongly and that it may affect my friendship. My thoughts these days are getting bare and immature. My mind is blank and I'm just blindly controlling it.  

Maybe she'll forgive me and my behaviour. I said as put on my clothes and head out of the bathroom.

 /..

"You visiting that person again?" Emma asked me before I could walk out the door. 

 "Do you have to be this negative, I'm going to visit my father." I said.  

"Yeah you will visit a deaf god that never heard your sobs and pain." She said. 

 Honestly she is saying the truth but it's not god that has never listened to my trauma but it's how dark my heart is that I feel guilty to open up to god.

 /..

"Good morning Alice!" Said Morgan our neighbour.  

"Hey, good morning." I said. 

 "Heading to church I see." She said as she watered the plants. 

 "Yes, what about you?" I asked not knowing what else would be the best thing to talk about. 

 "I will be leaving soon." She said. 

 "I'll get going." I said as I waved at her. 

 /..

 The weather was pretty cold today, the sound of children playing in the playground and the row of brick houses was the view I'd normally see on my way to church.

I walked on the church compound not knowing why I belonged there. Everybody looked like saints even though they had an inner devil in them.

I close my eyes and hoped for a better day, a better me and for a better life but when I opened my eyes I still see everything around me and everything in me the same.

After mass, I went home. I didn't talk to anyone at church because we're all hypocrites anyway, we all sin, sin and sin but we still ask for pardon and forgiveness and still repeat the same mistake. My biggest problem is being around Emma.  

It's hard because I know I can't stop cursing her name nor blaming her for my unworthiness. She is perfect, and everyone tries to be her because she's perfect.

She is beautiful, smart, humble kind and the list goes on. She doesn't need a man to bring out anything in her, she just needs her. 

 But everyone runs to her attention, everybody plays apart in her life and she never appreciates it. I just can't stop being jealous, I want to be her so bad.

I want to see me getting attention, I want Matthias to never leave my side. I want her limelight. I want happiness. I

to be knowledgeable and I want to wish forever but life gets unfair and no matter how much you try and try to make it fair there's no sympathy for anyone in life.

 /..

"Hey, I'm sorry about what I said just now." Emma said as she answered the door. 

 "It's okay, after all your not wrong." I said as I made my way in.  

"Look, I know you're mad and I know I shouldn't test your faith since it's your personal life." She said.

 /..

And yet you did, tell me one thing that you did ever to make me happy? You never cared at least never did in my eyes. You are just irritating that's all

"I'm alright, did you have lunch?" I said with reluctant. 

 "Yes, I just had my lunch. Matthias called just now, he wanted to take you out." She said. 

 "Okay, I'll call him." I said. 

 I quickly made plans with him. In my mind, I am going to do anything and everything I can to keep him away from her.

Even if Matthias thinks I'm crazy I don't give a damn. She has gotten involved in almost every part of my life and so enough is enough.

  I'm trying my best to keep my mouth shut and I'm trying not to offend her but hey I'm human too. 

I'm sorry Em, but I will do everything to keep you away from me and my life.