Betrayal. Loss. How do you recover from these things? How do you rebuild yourself when the world that you had painted no longer reflected the colors you had envisioned? The world turned dark as you find yourself standing on the ashes of your hopes and dreams. Loss...
With the betrayal, Mr. Beautiful wouldn't even look at me. I'm not going to say that I broke his heart. I am not that vain. I will say that I caused him pain. His pain he wore like a robe, protecting him from future hurt.
He stood before me a different man. I had broken him.
Our relationship was never the same after that. He was never the same after that. Mr. Beautiful had these two cousins that were a year ahead of us at school. They had decided upon themselves that retribution for this betrayal would be theirs. It is the woman's fault always after all. You know what I am suggesting.
They were both twice my size, monsters of their own genetics. My days had become a torment. They bullied me in secret when I was alone because they knew they couldn't take me when I was with the others. Alone, I was small and frail, no match for their size and experience.
"You broke our cousin's heart," they said. I knew it was true but there was nothing I could do.
There was no way to make things right. Big Oaf had made it impossible to rectify my relationship with Mr. Beautiful. I didn't try to defend myself from them. My sorrow led me to believe that I deserved this punishment.
"Break it off with Big Oaf" they'd say.
"I would if I could." I spat. They never believed me. I wanted this. That's was their truth. Nothing else mattered. Not really.
Fear rose in my belly as it had so many times before. This time it clouded my judgment and I found myself blaming Mr. Beautiful for this torment. He was to blame. He didn't stop his evil friend from taking advantage of me. He allowed this to happen because of his own weakness.
I couldn't go to Michelle and the others because that would be my weakness. I despise weakness. How, could I resolve this problem?
Big Oaf, breaks my thoughts as he drapes his heavy arm across my shoulders. I hated when he did that but it was his staple move. Whenever he saw me he would immediately make his claim. 'Bold move douche bag' I thought loudly.
That bulky arm of his was draped across my shoulder. He'd used this tactic to assert his dominance over me. Each time this vile creature performed this action I felt bile form in the back of my throat. I thought I would puke. I.hated.him.
Mr. Beautiful stood next to him, avoiding my gaze. He wouldn't even look at me anymore. The loss almost unbearable.
"How's my cutie doing today?" he looked down at me with a sheepish grin.
"Fine," I said through gritted teeth.
"Good...good" he responded as though my words meant nothing. I could have said terrible and his response would have been the same.
I rolled my eyes but he didn't see. Neither did Mr. Beautiful. The eye roll, it would seem would be for my own amusement. I felt trapped. How could someone so popular and adored by so many become a prisoner at her own school? I ran the scenarios through my mind over and over again and could not find a solution. Well, I COULD find a solution I just wasn't ready to go there yet.
Michelle, I would need to talk to Michelle.
In case you are wondering why I didn't take action against the Big oaf. Well...it was simple, he had used the fight with Diana against me. If I didn't date him, he would tell the principal what I had done to her in the classroom.
He had several witnesses so even if Diana denied it, I would still be expelled. That's what he told me when he and I were alone for the first time. When Mr. Beautiful wasn't around to bear witness.
"Think about your future," he said. "Think about Mr. Beautiful. How would he feel to know what kind of person you are? A bully...a mean girl. Would he ever be able to even look at you again? All that's left for you is me, sweetie. Let's own this school together." with his words my resolve failed. What Mr. Beautiful thought of me was more important than I had realized. I would rather him see me like this than as I really was.
Big Oaf assured me, that Diana wouldn't deny it either. "She has a thing for me, you know." he had said. "I'm sure I can convince her it is worth it, don't you think?"
Did I mention I.hated.him.?
I had a choice, my future or my present, those were my options. Suffer now as his girl or suffer later with no future at all.
How had it come to this? How had I lost everything so quickly? This couldn't be possible. There had to be a way to get everything back. Was it possible to turn back time and never pick a fight with Diana in the classroom? Was it possible to go back and let her off with a warning instead of bashing her face in with my foot?
Could I make it so that Mr. Beautiful only sees the part of me that I want him to see and not the ugliness that I so desperately hide from him? Is it possible to get a rewind?
Later that week, in the cafeteria, I stole a glance at Mr. Beautiful, I knew that I wouldn't get everything back. I had lost him forever. The smile that normally formed on his face was gone. No trace of it left even as Amanda had her body draped against his.
No matter. I don't form lost lasting connections anyway. I can survive this loss. I just needed to get through the rest of this year. I needed to find my place once again amongst the victorious. I was no quitter. I was a warrior and Big oaf made a big mistake.
Author's Note: Sometimes things don't always go according to plan. I hope you enjoyed this part. If you liked it please mark it and thank you for reading.
YOU ARE READING
When You Realize You've Become a Mean Girl...and What Comes Next (In Editing)Non-Fiction
It isn't every day that you find yourself waking up and realizing "Hey, I'm a mean girl." I could make sure people like you didn't make their way into our circle and I was very good at it. You wanted to sit with us? No thank you. You wanted to talk...