The Overthinker Pt 2

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12:00 mn

Midnight. Practically no one awake, besides me. Midnight was always the loneliest hour. I love the nighttime but there's never anyone there. Maybe that's why I'm always so lonely. The misfit among misfits. I have no place anywhere.

Glancing at my dim phone screen I stare at the message bar. Send another message? I consider it. Sending another message might remind them that I'm there. Waiting to hear from them. But why would they want to hear from me? I'm too negative. Plus what would I say? I'm only going to drag them down with me, I shouldn't say anything. But if I don't will they forget? Everyone is busy now, everyone forgets. I forget. It hurts to be forgotten.

Plus, I'm not as good a friend as others. I'm the pessimistic whiny one. I shouldn't drag them down with me to the depths. I know they care. I need to work on remembering that. They care.

I still shouldn't drag them down. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I am bugging them this time? No wait, they said I don't bother them. Is one more message too many messages? Do I look desperate? Why did I ever send the second message in the first place? I know they're too busy, in interrupting. No they said I'm fine. They're just busy, they'll get back to me eventually. Will they? I don't want to wait another three days. This hurts, I know I'm the last one they want to talk too, I'm too pessimistic.

I delete my whole message and click away, finding something else to occupy my mind. I hope for a response even though I know one won't come. I'm lucky if I get one response a week. I'm not the friend I should be. I'm not the exciting fun happy friend. I'm the negative one who's scared and anxious and can't drag herself out of the pits of despair. They should talk to their other friends like they have been. I don't matter.

They say I do. They're usually right. But it's hard to remember when you know you're the last person they want to talk to, when messages go unanswered. That's just life. They can't be online 24/7 anymore and the precious time they have online should be spent with the happy friends. It's not their job to pull me out of the hole I dug for myself.

It hurts.

I dig the hole deeper, wallowing in this confusion between what I know is true and the lies rattling in my head. I wish I could see inside minds to know what people truly thought of me. A message is so hard to interpret. I've already messed it up once. I have to be careful of what I say. Every word could be wrong. It's best just to wait a week for a response than try to force one.

Am I a bad friend? Am I a boring friend? I'm told I'm not. Is that a lie or truth? I don't know anymore. My head is so muddled, I want to cry. I want someone to help me but no ones there. It's midnight. Everyone's asleep.

Tears roll down my cheeks, my throat hurts, it's knotting up. I want to scream. I want my friends, but I'm too scared to tell them how I feel, to scared to say I feel ignored even though I know they aren't ignoring me. I'm too scared to speak my mind, it might be read wrong. I know I'm scared, I know I'm anxious. I can't stop it, it's how I am.

Is this normal? How do people do it? Do they just know how to keep friends around? Laugh, smile, joke around. Do I need to fake it better? If I suddenly pretend happy will they know?

I don't know what I'm doing.

I want my friends, I want someone. I can't get out alone. But I don't know if I should write a message. I don't want to be a burden. They say I'm not. I don't want to bother. They say I don't. They're right. I know. But how do I word it so I'm not dragging them down?

Maybe I'll just say nothing.

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