Come, gather 'round and hear my tale

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First things first: forget everything you think you know about Greek Mythology. I'm telling you this for your own good! Trust me, you need to check any preconceived information at the proverbial door before we begin.

I know some of you won't do it. You will cling to your ideas of the stories and myths that have been passed down for centuries. It's fine, I accept this hilariously-mortal trait of yours to entrench yourself in past knowledge even if it's wrong.

Even though I am an actual god from Mount Olympus. No, that won't be good enough, that won't sway you.

Secondly, I think I'm supposed to tell you that I am a "goddess", not a "god" but it's such a uselessly gendered term and "goddess" has more syllables than I want to think about right now.

For the purposes of this story you may call me Eris, that is what I shall call myself and how I will transcribe my name for you. Truth be told, we gods and goddesses have names that no mere mortal can understand. In the mouths of humans, our poetic names are transformed into something vile and strange. Still, we recognize them.

We make such allowances for you mortals.

My name, my real name is something close to "cool hissing wind on a humid summer day while the scent of irises and lilacs perfume the sunlight-dappled violet air".

I know, The scent and image and sensation of my real name is much prettier than "Eris".

The deconstruction of my name into a short, one-syllable word isn't the only offense that has been leveled at me by your kind. Go ahead, take a minute to Google me. I'll wait.

....waiting...

...waiting...

Isn't that Wikipedia picture fucking hideous? Why they chose that manic-bitch-mosaic for the most popular webpage about me is far beyond my godly comprehension. Have I caused some kind of offense to your kind? Have I transgressed so heinously?

All the other gods and goddesses are personified by their pretty, white, marble statues! What do I get? The eternal commemoration of a bad hair day!

I guess you've scanned the Wikipedia page, haven't you? It's terribly confusing, even I don't understand it and I lived through all the events. So, to make proper introductions, let me give you the quick and dirty:

1. Yes, I started the Trojan war...out of spite. I shan't apologize for it, I am totally justified in my actions because I am much more beautiful than Aphrodite, and should have been invited to Pleus' wedding. All of the nonsense of Achilles and Homer and blah-blah-blah could have been avoided if Pleus hadn't been a petty little bitch who was mad about me sleeping with Telamon at the bachelor party.

2. Yes, I am the Goddess of Strife. Can you even? I have more than fifty siblings. By the time I was born they were scraping the bottom of the barrel to hand out attributes. It's bullshit, really, being one of the youngest.

It's cool. It's fine. I've come to terms with it. Sure, it ruined my self-worth for half a millennia until I learned how to tune out the dirge of human suffering that ricochets within me without pause for eternity, but this is the era of Self Care and Self Love or whatever.

Now, I don't tell you all of this as some kind of filler. I tell you this because as a god I care and I want you to operate with as much information as I see fit to tell you at this juncture. 

So, let's get started.

Eris and the Mortal GodWhere stories live. Discover now