The Saviours

67 11 1

Author: Aoife_May

Genre: Fantasy/Sci-fi

Mature


I find the cover to be quite attention-grasping and it fits the theme and plot of the story quite well. I also feel that the title works well with your story and your audience can easily imagine its significance. 

Grammatical errors:
Chapter 1: "A gust of the winters wind..." Here, the word "winters" should be written as "winter's" in order to show possession. 
Chapter 1: "To easy, I'll give you a much harder one." Here, "to" should be written as "too" in order to mean "very easy."
Chapter 1: "She stepped into the pub, taking in her surroundings her. There mostly drunk old fools..." Make sure you always proofread your writing for little errors like these. You should remove the word "who" at the end of the sentence, and reword the second one, as I don't entirely understand if you were trying to describe Evie's surroundings or describe the other characters. 

While writing descriptions, keep in mind that less is more in some cases. In Chapter 1, you wrote an entire paragraph on Evie's boots. By doing this, you are drawing the audience more towards her appearance rather than to the story itself. Her boots don't need an entire paragraph; perhaps you could incorporate it into your previous paragraph and write the description more simply, such as "Her lavish black leather boots with square heels clicked on the pavement as she walked." 
Although some of your descriptions are overdone, some areas are underdone. I found the setting to be a bit bland. What exactly did the pub look like in Chapter 1? What did Evie's overall surroundings look like? I suggest you spend less time describing the characters, and add more descriptions to the setting. 

Some areas in the story didn't make much sense to me. In Chapter 1, you mentioned that there were several people participating in erotic acts. I didn't feel that this fit into the setting of the pub, and I would imagine this to take place in a place like a brothel. 

You also should spend more time separating your sections and organizing your story a bit more. For example, you didn't clearly separate Chapter 1 into multiple sections, so I was extremely confused when the focus shifted from Evie to Flynn, then to Natasha. Be sure to pick one character to follow at a time, and make it very clear to your readers when you shift focus to another character. 
This area in the story also seemed repetitive, as Flynn and Natasha experienced the same things as Evie (the pub, the riddle master, etc.). I think the story would be more interesting and suspenseful if you ended the first chapter where Evie was prepared to shoot Edmendouler. This would build suspense and draw your readers directly into the next chapter. The following chapter would also be extremely suspenseful when the audience realizes that Flynn was after the same person as Evie was. 

I thought the chapters in the story were extremely long and could be shortened in order to more effectively show the events of the story. I feel that you included too many details in a single chapter, and due to this, the story became unorganized and more difficult to follow. 

I found that the characters were all quite similar to each other. I didn't find anything particularly unique about each of them, and their personalities could be developed a bit further. What are the characters thinking throughout the story? Why are they feeling a certain way? Make sure you address these questions in order to develop your characters further and make them more relatable. 

Overall, I thought the story has a very unique and creative plot. I thought it was interesting how the characters came together, but the story as a whole could be much more organized and explained. Be sure to proofread your story thoroughly and organize it as effectively as possible. 


*Analysis is based on the first 3 chapters

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