Rilius: World in War

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Author: Obsynnius

Genre: Fiction/Adventure


I find that your cover does depict some parts of your story, such as the interesting creatures and desolation, but I feel that your story would gain much more recognition if the cover were more eye-catching.
The title, on the other hand, is an excellent fit for your story! I was immediately able to imagine a new world with many characters and roles, lots of action, and interesting turns of events.

Grammatical/writing errors:
Chapter 1: "Xanios and the defeated king walked in through the main entrance into the stadium, guards around them. They walked into the middle of the stadium and the guards formed a circle around them." These two sentences explain almost the exact same thing. In order to prevent your writing from sounding bland and repetitive, you could perhaps reword the first sentence to include the part where the guards circle around the pair rather than writing an entire new sentence around that action. Keep an eye out for these areas, as your writing can improve greatly by simply adding some more diversity and descriptions in your sentences.

I also noticed that your chapter names are labelled inconsistently. In order to avoid confusing your readers, you should decide between using Roman numerals for all of your chapters or common numbers.

Something that I also recommend you keep an eye out for is how you write your numbers within your story. I noticed in Chapter 1, you wrote some numbers numerically, and spelled out some other numbers. Be sure to decide on one way of writing them and keep it consistent throughout your story.
Additionally, you may want to look out for sections where you use dialogue. Keep in mind that whenever a different character begins speaking, his speech must be put into a new paragraph. If a single character speaks at different points in time without another character responding, you can separate his words with dialogue tags. However, if you are writing a conversation between multiple characters, you must start a new paragraph every time a different character speaks/comments.

I feel that the beginning of your story was written in a way that told your audience of the setting rather than showing them. Perhaps instead of stating how many people were in Xanios' army and what the world consisted of, you could incorporate these details into your writing. You could begin the story by describing the setting and Xanios's need to raid the city, and then you could include the details of his army.
Overall, I think it would be beneficial to your story if you added some additional sensory details throughout. Don't be afraid to explain in-depth how the setting looked, smelled, sounded, etc. Some areas seemed to lack these descriptions, which made it difficult for me to really picture the setting.

I also feel that you could add more sensory details to explain how the characters are feeling. In Chapter 1, did Xanios feel any remorse when killing the king and queen? Was he excited or fearful? What was going on in his mind? Why did he feel it was necessary to kill the king and queen? I think this area could be elaborated on a bit more, and the reasoning for their capture could be clarified. I also feel that the pace of the story through this section was too fast with too few details for the audience to keep up with. I could keep track of the battles and the setting, but the timeline seemed quite fast and I felt that it skipped over some sections that really could help make the story more intense and lively. It would be more interesting to the reader if you fill in these holes and add extra descriptions wherever you feel that they fit.

Although the events of the story overall link up, it is a bit difficult to follow some sections because the paragraphs are quite lengthy. I suggest you shorten your paragraphs to more specific and related events rather than writing a series of events in one paragraph. This helps your story appear more organized and it reads more smoothly.

I found each of the characters to be creative and unique, but you could go into more detail about who they are, how they think, what roles they take on, etc. Some areas in the story really lacked these personality details, which made the characters seem lifeless.
Also, one major thing you should be aware of is head-hopping. This is when you describe the thoughts of multiple characters instead of the main one that the chapter is focused on. For example, in Chapter 1, you described how the king's mind filled with anger, but the chapter was mainly written around Xanios. If the chapter is focused on a character, be sure to keep it focused on the same character, as it can be confusing to your readers when they are given details unrelated to the character who is being written about.

Overall, I thought your story was very unique and action-packed. The different characters and roles showed that you put lots of thought into this story and that you put lots of work into writing it. I think the story has plenty of potential, and by adding some more details to your characters and plot, the story could become extremely exciting and suspenseful!


*Analysis is based on the first 5 chapters

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