Stygian. Stagnant. Solitary.

Survivor's Guilt

"You didn't quit,"

I assure myself.

But the synonyms say they're the same.

"You merely retracted

In sake of your health;

You defeated the mental game.

"And they're not disappointed,

They're relieved for you,

And glad that you're okay."

I suppose that's a fact,

But in a realistic view,

That's not what the records say.

"You'll make yourself sick.

Lie down and rest;

Shut your tired eyes."

But I've lied in my bed.

I made it my nest.

And I've tried, and I've tried, and I've tried.

"Return when you're ready

And you feel it's time,

And eager for knowledge and more."

But my friends have advanced,

I've fallen behind.

I have closed the golden door.

And for what exactly?

My mental state?

I'm sure I could've powered through.

"Nonsense, my dear,

You filled your own mind with hate;

You were the ultimate bully to you."

But my awards of the past,

They're destroyed and gone.

They will never come back.

"Then work harder next time,

Earn back what you'd won,

Make up for your dreaded past.

"Who you were then

Is not who you'll become.

Is that understood?

Take time for yourself.

You are not scum.

Have faith that you did what you could."