Chapter 54 - give me your hand

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POV Mao

*

Ethan and I are in the train on our way to his parents house and luckily for us it's just an hour away from New York. I don't know if I would have survived more honestly, it's so tough physically. More than people think.
I feel like a child sometimes, all fragile and stuff. Basically, anything could break me and I constantly have to be careful. It's exhausting sometimes.

It's raining outside and I can't stop staring at the drops of water that are making a race on the window.
My vision is blurry and yet it's the only thing I can see.

The cold is the only thing I can feel, along with the feeling of my lungs shutting down.

That's a weird feeling that I can't explain. I can feel them getting weaker and weaker every day. I can't breath at times. I can't sleep either, but I'm not quite sure if it's because of my lungs, or because I'm afraid that they'll stop doing their job in the middle of the night, while I'm sleeping... When I can't do anything about it.

I don't want to die in my sleep.

I want to die while doing something amazing, something that I love.

How cool would it be to die while skydiving ?

If so, the last thing you get to see is how beautiful earth is. The last thing you get to feel is the air against your face while you're falling and falling and falling. How amazing would that be ?

I think a lot about that, about how am I gonna die, I mean.

I genuinely want it to be special, I don't want to just die and people to be like, "oh, she died, how unfortunate."

*

I watch the rain drops and can't help but relate to them.
They came from nowhere, at one point of their life they meet an other drop, and then, they make a race to know which one of them is gonna get to the end first. And one of them is going so fast. So fast that the other one is left behind, alone. The rain drop run down the window to who knows where, and I can't get my eyes off it.

Oh what I would do to be the one to loose the race...

What I would do to stay on the window one more minute...

My vision is extremely blurry now, I can't see anything. But it's not because of the cancer. No.

I think... I think I'm crying.

I slowly turn my head towards the window so Ethan can't see me, and I wipe away the tears with the back of my hand. Hopping for them to stop.

They need to.

*

I feel dizzy and cold.

So cold...

This is a feeling that I get more, and more, and more often and I'm so tired of it, I just want it to stop. I want to be able to feel the warmth of the sunlight on my skin again. I want to be able to feel the wind on my face again.
I just want to be able to feel something and not having this constant emptiness in me.

And I can't explain that to anybody. Not even to Ethan. How could I ?
It's like trying to explain infinity or nothingness, it's impossible, it's confusing. No one truly understands it, no matter how much we try to.

But it's hard, to experience something or know something you know you can't explain. Something you know you must keep to yourself because it's so personal that it would mean nothing to others.

How could I tell Ethan than the hugs he gives me when he sees that I'm cold are worthless ? How could he understand that I'll be cold anyways ?

But I still love his hugs no matter what. They may not give me warmth, but they make me feel safe. And at a time where I feel like anything could take my life away, his hugs are my safety place, I need them to not loose my mind.

I need Ethan so much.

And that's scary.

He basically keeps me alive.

*

My tears won't stop running down my cheeks and at this point I could not hide it from Ethan. It was way too obvious.

But I couldn't move, I couldn't tell him that I wasn't okay, I couldn't even look at him.

So I started to panic, I could feel it in my body : fear.

What if I'll never ever be able to move again ? What if I'm actually dying right now ?

I ain't really...

"Give me your hand" I heard Ethan's deep voice say calmly to me.

And I did, I don't really know how. My hand was tense and I couldn't relax my fingers, but Ethan took my hand in his two ones, and squeezed it.

At that moment, that was the only thing that hooked me up to life.

At that moment, that was the only thing that hooked me up to life

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