Against all odds

confused & feeling new things

It feels like yesterday, when I first saw you walk down the hallway. You were the new kid, the odd one out, but to me, you were anything but that. With your messy hair, twinkly eyes and a smile that could light up anyone's day, you walked with a confidence I wish I had in me. I could already see the looks you were given, and I knew, then and there, that you would become the one that ruled this place, the one everyone looked up to. Always the centre of attention.

It's was the first time I saw you and I was already completely captivated by you. You didn't look like the typical guy around school, which I guess is why I couldn't stop thinking about you. As you passed me by, I did everything for you to not notice me. Even though I found myself intrigued by you, I knew nothing would come out of it. It never did for me. As the years went by I slowly gave up on what people called 'love'. All I ever knew it to be was heartbreak.

Complete and utter heartbreak.

I never had the experience myself, but everyone around me did, and I was there for all of it. The sobs, the chick flicks, and most importantly the huge amount of ice cream. Anything related to breakups I've seen and heard. It made me give up on love. It was automatic. The wall that built around my heart, like a defence mechanism. Of course, my friends tried everything to make me find my 'perfect guy', but I never felt it. The tingles, the butterflies and need to see them etc. Not even once, did I have those feelings and for the longest time I thought something was wrong with me.

Why did I not feel anything romantically?

Was there something wrong with me?

That was honestly my thought process for as long as I can remember, until that day in chemistry. When you were sat behind me and tapped me on the shoulder asking to borrow a pencil. When I turned around to hand you one and you took it from my hand, I felt it. I FINALLY felt it. The little tingles running up my arms, my stomach feeling weird and my cheeks getting heated with that rosy colour. My god, had I been waiting for that feeling to appear and it finally did - with you. I was shocked, but most of all scared. Scared of this new feeling that I've never felt before.

What was I supposed to do now? - shit.

So, I did what anyone would do. I avoided you - like you were the actual plague. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I actually liked someone, I mean like liked someone. I had a crush.

I saw the looks you gave me around the halls. Confusion was written everywhere on your face, because this was not normal behaviour for me. I never avoided you like this, I always greeted you before class and said goodbye before leaving. But I couldn't, not after this. Yes, I know you think I'm overreacting, but I swear to you, I'm not. For 18 years, all I've ever thought about was family, friends and school. Not boys - never boys. This was the weirdest experience in my life - especially when I didn't know how you felt towards me.