New friend || book 1

Chapter 18 - my Dan.

ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴸᴵᴷᴱ ᴬᴺᴰ ᶜᴼᴹᴹᴱᴺᵀ!!!

The weeks and months seem to get longer when I broke down at Dan's grave.

I planned on killing myself multiple times but I'm too much of a pussy to actually go through with something like that.

Pj is hanging out more with Felix and Sean.

I don't blame him.

I pushed him away.

Me on the other hand? I'm staying quiet. Doing my work and passing school. Trying my personal hardest not to think about him.

Trying to forget.

I find myself dreaming of him. Every fucking night since he left.

I'm not sure I remember life before I met him and if it's even fucking worth it.

So I float on.

Hoping one of these days that I'll build the courage and kill myself.

"Phil?"

Hoping one day I'll see Dan again.

"Phil.", I looked over where the voice was coming from and saw a curly brown haired, tall figure and my heart skipped thousands of beats.

"Dan?"

"No Phil, it's Pj. Put on your glasses."

My heart skipped for a boy that didn't even have one.

"Hi Pj."

"Hello Phil."

"Do you need something?"

"No I just thought you were dead. Considering how pale you've become and the fact that you're laying in the middle of the road."

"Welp."

"Well glad to know you're okay Phil, I'll catch you around."

Yeah, sure.

...

I found myself laying on your grave again.

Your grave.

"Hey Dan.", my breath was icy. As if I was dead. Cold skin. No pulse. "It's me again, do you remember?"

I never got a response like I've always wanted. Pleaded. Begged.

But that's okay.

"At least YOURE happy, right?", deep breaths, "at least you're with your family right? Doesn't matter that you left people— me behind."

No point.

"Sorry, Nevermind, this is probably the last thing you want to hear."

Fuck.

"I'm sorry."

This.

"I just need you Dan, you know? I need you more then you know and it's sucks that I didn't get to actually tell you how much I fucking love you before you left and it tears my apart every day and all I wish is that I could change it, but I know it's too late."

Unless.

"We'll here it is Dan, i fucking love you more than you could ever know and the fact that I can't tell you and hold you makes me want to end up just like you but I know, I know that's not what you want..."

Suicide.

"What do you want Dan???"

•••

"I want you to live."

🅣🅗🅐🅝🅚 🅨🅞🅤

ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴸᴵᴷᴱ ᴬᴺᴰ ᶜᴼᴹᴹᴱᴺᵀ!!!