Chapter 53 - goodbyes

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We are currently at the train station. Mom and Ethan are pulling our suitcases out of the trunk while Sam and I are waiting for them next to each other.
It's a nice day today, no wind, no rain, no nothing. The sky is grey but it's not that cold outside, I love it.

After the diner yesterday, we all went to bed. Nobody really talked but it wasn't awkward, it was just spontaneous.
I slept in Ethan's arms, closer than we have ever been before. I'm not sure why. I think I needed to know that he was there and that no matter what happens, I'm not alone.
I fell asleep listening to his heartbeat and his hand caressing my back very slowly.

It's weird how can life can be so shitty and so perfect at the same time.


"Make sure you eat and hydrate yourself well."
"Jus - Just take care of you, okay ?" Mom said.

She smiled at me and took me in her arms, something we've rarely done in the past. But at this moment it felt good, it felt right.

"I love you." She whispered in my ear.
"I love you too, Mom."

We stayed like that for a few more seconds. I knew she was silently crying, I could feel her tears on my shoulder.
"It's gonna be okay." I whispered.

Mom knew.

This wasn't just a simple goodbye. It wasn't a see you later.

There is one thing the doctors always told my parents whenever they thought wasn't listening : "Life is very fragile, especially for Mao. She can pass away at any moment and I need you to get ready because eventually one day, she'll left this world and all of the sudden everything will be different. You need to analyze every situation, you need to know exactly when she is okay and when she is not, in order to be able to take care of her better. When you ask her to measure her pain on a 1 to 10 scale, you have to know it before she even tells you."

Mom knew I wasn't okay at all. She knew I wasn't just sick anymore, I was dying.

She knew it was a 10 this time.

And yet she wasn't telling me to stop traveling with Ethan, she wasn't asking me to stay home and rest. Because she knew I had to live, I needed it.
She knew Ethan was making me the happiest I have ever been so she couldn't stop me.

At some point, if you really love them, you have to let the people you love leave.


After I said goodbye to my mom, she hugged Ethan. She was way smaller than him so it was funny to see. She looked so tiny next to him and even more when he had his huge arms around her.
I hope I don't look that tiny and fragile when I'm next to him, I never thought about that...


"Mo ?" Sam said.
"Stop calling me Mo." I told him.

This was probably the only thing we had growing up, nicknames.
Mine was Mo and his was Somy. We both hated them, I never understood why I had a nickname since my name is already very short and Sam never understood why his nickname was Somy and not Samy.
I don't really remember why I started calling him Somy, but as far as I can remember I always called him that way.

It was our thing.

"Do you think I can go to LA with you ?" Sam asked me.

I looked at him for a few seconds.

"You know you can't. You have school, you have your friends and your team. In LA you have nothing, you'd get bored." I told him.

"But I have you."

I felt tears rushing to my eyes.

But I can't cry. Not right now. Not in front of him.

"Sam. I'm going to die." I just said.

And I know it wasn't really cool to say this like that, but he needed to hear it.

Sam lowered his head.

"Reason why I have to be with you..."
"No. You saw me this week. This was probably one of the best weeks of my life, I had fun, I got to hangout with you and mom. But this can't be forever. And you have to let me go. You have to look forward and know that sometimes, when something is leaving, you just have to let it leave."
"Why do you have to leave ?"

I looked at Ethan.

"Because I have to do all the things I didn't had time to do before. I have to live before it's too late."

He nodded.

"I don't want to be an only child." He said.
"Somy, you are never going to be an only child. Never. You'll always be my little bro. And I'll always be your big sis. You just have to remember."
"Remember what ?"

"Who you are."

He frowned and tears run down his tan cheeks. Sam was crying silently. His hands were in his pockets and he was looking at the floor.
This was harder than I thought it would be.

"I don't want this to be a goodbye..." He whispered.

I smiled.

"So let's not make this a goodbye. Give me a hug and then I'll leave, no goodbyes, no see you later, no text me when you get home."

I hugged him.

"You know I love you more than anything, right ?" I told him.

"I know. I love you too."


As I was walking with Ethan towards the train, I didn't allowed myself to look back.

I couldn't look back.

This was the end of this part of my life. I said goodbye to my mom and my brother. I said goodbye to New York and my old life. But now I need to focus on the now.
I need to go to Jersey clearheaded, ready for more things, ready to live new things and never look back to the past.

Because at some point in your life, you don't have time to focus on what happened before, you don't have time to care about what is over. At some point you can just walk forward and live for real.

That's what I need to do.



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