CHAPTER 6

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Word count: 1605

NATHAN

I hesitated a little about reading the diary again, but I was already too intrigued.

So without a second though, I picked it up.

September 5

I hate myself.

Sometimes I truly believe that perfection doesn't exist.

Yes. I know it really doesn't, but it's nice to believe.

I understand that nothing is perfect, everything has flaws, but why does it has to be so hard in trying to be perfect?

I mean most people do it so easy. They have the perfect grades, they get them by studying or skipping over a few pages and they pass a test. Grownups admire them, of how strong they are, how damn perfect they are. The younger ones look up to them. Make friends so damn easily, don't even need to try, it's like they come to them.

Get all the guys because they notice them.

They even have the perfect bodies, perfect looks.

Everything is just so easy.

But as for people like me, who try to do everything right yet still fail.

People like me are the ones who stay up all night, even wake up early in the morning to do homework or study for a test. Yet still fail, well, not unless we cheat.

Grownups despise us, want us to be better.

The younger ones don't even look up to us. They also see us as the people who aren't worth it, aren't smart enough.

Teachers see us as dumb.

People who we want to be friends with either don't notice us or think we are also these dumb shy kids. We have like one or two friends at school and mostly others are our cousins.

I shall not even speak about the bodies. We are at least too curvy, too thick, too thin. There isn't anyone who is the perfect body shape in anyone's eyes.

Boys don't even notice you. No one has ever been attracted to you.

So as you can see why it's not easy being perfect.

Because for people like me it's not possible to be ideal.

But my point for writing this is that...

I hate not being skinny. Not having the perfect body.

Today when the bitch of the school fat-shamed me then I did what I probably should have done a while ago.

I know that you're not going to agree with this, but I instantly after eating, went to the bathroom and threw out all of that food.

It's not that I regret it because I do feel a little skinnier. Or maybe I am just so obsessed with the idea that it will help.

I have just been feeling sick since then.

I want to be perfect. I want to be like the other ideal girls.

Sometimes I wish I was like Estrela. All the guys are after her, the girls envy her. She applies makeup like she is a beauty girl. Her walk and body is like a model's.

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