The Women's Magazine

259 33 20
                                          

Okay, I admit it. I was a bit drunk and Jenny wasn't talking to me and so I sort of wandered off from the Halloween party and into the rest of Keith's house. Yeah, I know you aren't supposed to go exploring in people's houses without permission, but I didn't feel like partying.

Flopping down on a sofa, mummy rags fluttering, I looked around for a TV remote. There wasn't one, but there was a random women's magazine lying on the shelf beside me.

Whatever. I grabbed it and flipped it open.

A horrible shriek filled the air as a glowing box began to rise from the pages and spin in front of my face.

Wax!....Wax!....

What that hell, I thought and was about to slam the mag closed and throw it far away from me when an evil voice began whispering...

Don't deny it! Waxing is beautiful! Waxing will get you a man! The pain! The pain is woooorrrtthhh iiiittttt!

More shrieks and moans of pain rose from the magazine making it tremble in my hands. It sounded like someone was torturing a cheerleading squad.

Suddenly, it flipped its own page and the screaming cheerleaders were silenced. A glowing, sexy slim model with long blond hair rose from the pages, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Hi there. I just wanted to tell you that you are SO FAT!! FAT FAT FAT IS ALL YOU ARE! she screamed at me, her face screwing up into a snarl. YOU BETTER LOSE THAT FAT OR YOU'LL END UP ALONE. NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU, YOU UGLY FAT PIG!

"But, but, I'm not fat, I'm --"

NEVER STOP DIETING! THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GET A MAN'S ATTENTION!

"I don't want a man's attention, I'm straight, I --"

SHUT UP, YOU FATTY FAT PIG! EVERYBODY WILL HATE YOU IF YOU AREN'T AS THIN AS ME!!!

The mag flipped its pages again and the freaky model disappeared in a short blaze of sparkles. My heart was beating a hundred miles an hour. I tried to close the magazine, but it resisted with superhuman strength.

A bouquet of glowing flowers rose from the mag. Oh, maybe this won't be too bad I thought right before a man's voice began to speak.

When was the last time your man sent you flowers? A month ago? Then he doesn't love you. No matter what he says.

"Now, wait a minute -"

He hasn't proposed yet either, has he? Your wedding day dreams will never come true. And it'll be all your fault. ALL. YOUR. FAULT. Demand he send you expensive flowers -- before it's too late.

"What kinda psycho b.s. is..."

"Hey, Mike! Where are you?" It was Keith. The magazine fell from my hands, snapping shut as it hit the floor. I ran back downstairs like I was on track and field or something.

I swear, I'll never open a women's magazine again ever.

I just can't take that kind of horror. 

Tales from the Black Goat: Paranormal One ShotsWhere stories live. Discover now