Played by the Enemy || Captain America || Book 2

Chapter 30: Twice

'Twice
I would die
for a little more
once
with you,'
Atticus

~

Darkness.

Agony. Anguish. Stark? Voices. Numbness. Needle?

Darkness.

Darkness, always darkness.

I've struggled with it for as long as I can remember. Whether it's been dark thoughts, a dark past, or an all-powerful cosmic space stone inside of me that's cultivated by an ugly, low rent, murderous Barney the Dinosaur in Titan form. By this point, it's been a constant I can almost say I've relied upon in my life.

Perhaps, I was a bit hasty in labelling it at the beginning of the book. It is, and never will be, something that you can trust. It's changeable. Chaotic. Unpredictable. Sometimes it's hurt me, other times it's offered me reassurance. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely relieved that the Dark stone is no longer a part of me. Bouts of nausea are likely to still surface every once in a while for the next month or so, maybe some other side effects along with it, but that's just my body expelling it, cleansing it. I am, however, no longer cursing darkness as a whole.

My past remained in the dark for so long; and now that it no longer is, not fully, I can't help but feel this massive reprieve. Respite. Comfort. But for a long time, darkness still offered to hide that past until I was mentally and emotionally ready for it to no longer be hidden.

It isn't a good thing, but, I suppose it isn't altogether evil or bad either. Just like how light can burn, darkness can comfort.

It's allowed me to hide more than just my past; thoughts, emotions, sentimentality, my dirty hands. I don't need it anymore though. I relied upon it, it helped me as well as took advantage of me in my low points, and now....

I don't need it.

I'm not a criminal trying to hide anymore.

I'm not emotionally fractured or broken anymore.

I don't need it.

I have Tony.

I have Sam.

I have Adelaide.

I have Nicky.

I have Steve.

I don't need it.

Darkness. Needle. Numbness. Voices. Stark. No anguish, or agony, I think. Just... uncomfortable.

Darkness.

I don't need it.

My eyelids are ridiculously heavy. I'm struggling to even open them. Did they use the needle to sew them shut? Feels like it.

Every part of me that feels like it should hurt, doesn't really. Uncomfortable is the world I used before, and I'm going to stick to it. That, and numb. And dirty. I need a shower, that's what I need.

But it's dark.

And dark is not what I need.

Fighting harder, I manage to crack the seal over my eyes, my eyelids lazily opening to a blurry world. I blink a few times, trying to call to focus my pupils like they're a camera lens, and eventually, they do.

Hospital. Definitely a hospital. Private hospital room as well. Huh, perks of being friends with a billionaire I suppose. A hospital would make sense, I suppose. Would also make sense why I can't feel most of my body now. Probably don't want to feel most of my body right now.