Serial Killer. Swap Your Body. Again and Again.

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Author: SamWatsonAuthor

Genre: Mystery/Thriller/Paranormal


I think the cover is appealing, but I don't see how it is related to the story. For one, the title on the cover is different than that of your story. The author on the cover is also different than who is writing the story. 
I find the title that you are currently using to be much too long for your story. You did mention that it is not the final title, which I think is a smart idea. Until the audience reads your story, they can't link how being a serial killer and swapping bodies are related. I feel that something shorter and more powerful would be very beneficial to your story and it would draw more attention. 

Before reading your story, I took a quick look at your blurb. I think it sounds interesting, yet it is a bit confusing. I didn't understand who Richard was or how he and Jane came together. I also think that your blurb gives away a bit too much information. Instead of telling your audience that Jane falls in love with the policeman who investigates her, I would rather you show it and develop the story to the point where your audience sees it. 

Grammatical errors:
Chapter 1: "Well, she, the commercial worker, know her merchandise by heart. I just used her knowledge." Here, the word "know" should be changed to "knows." In addition be sure to keep the tense of your story consistent. The story as a whole is written in present tense, yet "I just used her knowledge" is written in past tense. 
Chapter 1: "I call the emergency ambulance..." Here, you wrote "call" (present tense) instead of "called" (past tense). Be sure to keep the tense consistent throughout your writing so that your audience can always imagine the time and setting. 
Chapter 1: "'I'll kill you one day,' yells the commercial worker's beau." Here, you also used present tense when writing "yells." 

I found the prologue to be an excellent start to your story. It gives the audience a feel for the character and an understanding of how she thinks and lives. 

I think the concept of your story is extremely original and entertaining. You draw your readers in fairly smoothly, and the writing style adds a nice touch. I suggest you also mention what happens to the people whose bodies Jane enters. Do the people stay inside their own bodies, and are they aware that somebody else is inhabiting their bodies? Or do they disappear completely? By knowing this, your audience would be able to imagine the fear or confusion of the people when Jane takes over their bodies. 

I absolutely loved how you mentioned that although Jane takes over different people's bodies and still maintains her own consciousness, she can also recall memories from the person's mind who she inhabits. This allows her to really become  the people she takes over and live their lives. I also think it is an interesting concept how the bodies that Jane previously swapped into die every time she chooses to take over a new body. 
An area that I feel could be clarified is how Jane swaps bodies. Can she simply swap bodies by looking at the person she wants to swap into or is there a more complex process? I also am having trouble understanding how Jane discovered her ability and why she is forced to swap bodies with others. It is mentioned in the blurb that she is running from the police, but why is she desperate enough to swap bodies with others, even if she knows that they will die as soon as she changes into a new body?

Despite Jane's ability to feel the emotions of so many different people, some areas in the story lack description, which restricts your audience from really being able to understand Jane and how she is feeling. For example, in Chapter 1, you mentioned how Jane tripped over a body that she had previously inhabited, she didn't seem afraid, shocked, scared, anxious, etc. She simply seemed as if she brushed off the experience with no real emotions.  

Overall, I thought the story had an extremely interesting and original concept. The character is interesting as well as each of her experiences. I suggest you add some additional sensory details that allow your readers to really imagine the setting and the characters. Otherwise, I found the story to be very entertaining!

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