[trigger warning!
chapter may be triggering for some,
read with caution xoxo]
authors note: I'm on a computer right now so i apologise for spelling mistakes, incorrect grammar, incorrect punctuation, i type extremely fast and i rarely look up to check if i have made mistakes, I'll correct it when i get a chance but there's only so much i can do. so if i miss anything, sorry! :)
my hip is burning.
I know this'll hurt to fuck to wash and take the band aids off. I think it's still bleeding too.
I tried to stay clean, I really did, but I'm not strong enough for that.
now I'm laying on my bed, scrolling through my phone, pretending that I didn't just mutilate my skin because of the thoughts in my head.
it's the next morning. I'm currently walking back to my house because I forgot something. my mom is walking ahead with my dad. she found a band-aid and ask what it was, I said i didn't know.
i think she knows what i do but she doesn't care. the world is full of monsters and lies and it feels like I'm becoming one of them. the apple doesn't fall far from the tree then, i guess.
i hate how broken i am. i hate that when people look at me they think "oh yea, shes fine". first, I'm not a girl, don't treat me like one. second, I'm not fine, far from it. i get it, my smile is convincing, but its not that convincing. I'm no daniel radcliffe or rupert grint, i can only act like I'm fine for as long as you need me to. once you're gone or the doors are closed I'm the broken boy i was before you walked in and bothered me. i feel as though I'm losing someone close to me, someone i care about alot. they're broken too, and i want to help, i feel like I'm not helping though. I'm sorry if I'm not helping, i promised to help so many, but I'm not because I'm just as broken as them.
i want to fucking kill myself.
i hate my life so fucking much right now. i hate myself.
my heart feels like its tangled up in ropes, and the ropes are slowly getting tighter. i feel like i cant breathe anymore, like someone is holding me under water. even though I'm fighting back, my body is getting weaker. the weird part is, I could literally just kill myself tonight. I want to — so fucking badly but I won't. i don't know why, or why I even feel like this. I was getting better, I guess whenever I start getting better the monsters start prowling my brain again. it's like I'm stuck between constantly feeling depressed and when I'm not, dysphoria is always prominent, so no matter if I'm depressed or not, I'm never going to be truly happy.
do you ever forget what happy feels like? like you don't remember what it's like to feel the burning of a fire lighting in your chest when someone\something makes your heart happy? people are like lighters, you run out of gas and you need someone else to hold their flame to your dull one and you get stronger, brighter. I don't know what that metaphor was. I don't know what any of these metaphors were. this entire thing is metaphorical of course. theres not actually ropes around my heart or someone holding me under water, it's meant figuratively not literally.
let's answer some questions no one asked because even when I'm at breaking point I can't release a chapter under 1000 - 5000 words, unless it's poetry, poetry is a acception.
why are you depressed?
I have no idea anymore. at first it was because I was being bullied and it just drove me into a cave of self hate and wanting to kill myself to make other people happy. but I think I'm reality it's no one's fault, I was just a unlucky soul who's brain ended up being dysfunctional. I think I've always had depression, in the sense that I was born with that stupid chemical imbalance, just bullying and other stuff made me realize and notice it more. when I was getting bullied I started to notice how suicidal my thoughts were and I kind of just grew up thinking that's how everyone thought. turns out, that's far from how everyone thought.
everyone I told called me insane and that I wasn't normal, that help a bunch — thanks for fucking nothing. eventually I just kept everything to myself because I was scared that no one would believe me or I'll be called attention seeking\crazy.
what are you alive for?
honestly, music. I know, sounds stupid, I'm alive for word in my ears and drums and tempos. but it means the world to me. without music and the lyrics I so desperately cling onto, I don't think I would've made it this far. music gives me a sense of peace in the storm that is my. I feel calm with my music, it's life saving honestly. my favourite band is 5sos. they've saved my life so many times, along with tøp, p!atd, MCR.
suicidal? plans?
as much as I want to say no, I'm going to say yes. I do have plans for suicide. either a overdose or jumping out of my window. I'm going to do it a few days after my birthday. I'll be 16, quite young to go but I have no future so what's the point in staying?
I'm currently laying in bed, crying. because my life is falling apart and I'm falling with it. my friend is suicidal too. I'm so scared I'm gonna wake up to find a text from her mom saying she's dead. I'm also in love with my best friend. which sucks because he hates my ass and is disgusted by a joke about us dating. that shit Fucking hurts like a double edged dagger stabbing you straight in the heart and then twisting it so there's just a empty hole in your heart. bleeding and numb. how and I even alive? I don't feel like in breathing. or even functioning.
why can't I fucking function normally?
