Chapter 6

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I woke up. I skipped breakfast. I worked. I skipped lunch. I avoided everyone. I skipped dinner. I went to bed. I woke up. I did it all over again.
This had been my reality since she died. I couldn't even bring myself to think her name. Even that hurt too much. I had done almost nothing since then. Sure, I helped a bit with the wall, but only when I was sure I wouldn't bump in to any of the people there that night. I hadn't spoken to anyone since then. Not Bellamy, not Finn, not Clarke. Not even Octavia. I didn't want to speak to them. I didn't care about them. I didn't care about myself. I hadn't eaten a thing since she died, and I didn't care. If anything, it made be feel slightly better. I didn't deserve to eat. Not after killing her. I had managed to exchange my tent with someone else's. I couldn't bare sleeping in that tent. That tent where she had slept. Where I brought her in.

Tonight was just like any other night. I hadn't spoken to anyone all day, and to be completely honest, I didn't care. I was alone, and I thrived. I had no one other to think about than myself. I only cared about myself. No one else mattered. Just like any other night, I hadn't eaten either. Don't get me wrong, my body was livid, every second begging me to eat, but I didn't care. I didn't want to eat, I didn't deserve to eat. Murderers don't deserve to eat. I had always being on the skinny side, but ever since we came down to the ground, I'd been losing weight. This not eating thing of mine definitely wasn't helping. My body was constantly tired, my legs felt like jelly when I walked. Even when laying down I could get dizzy.
I was trying to fall asleep, when I heard people talking way too loudly outside my new tent. Annoyed, I got up and exited my tent, though my legs weren't exactly feeling up for the task. Everyone was mumbling, looking up at the sky. That's when I saw it. What looked like another drop ship was making its way down to the ground. I wasn't the only one awoken by the thing on the drop ship. Just a few meters from me, a certain man I definitely wasn't ready to face came out of his tent, shirtless. I remembered the first time I had seen him shirtless. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, but this time, it was different. This time, I didn't care. Not only was the eldest Blake present, but also the youngest. They hadn't noticed me and if I got my way, they wouldn't.
"They're coming to help us," a boy from camp said. So ignorant. Why would they want to help us? Why did everyone think they cared about us? They didn't.
"Now we can kick some grounder ass," Bellamy said, clearly as ignorant as the rest. Just then, I noticed two of Bellamy's little sluts joining the party.
"Please tell me they brought down some shampoo," she said. She was right. Shampoo is exactly what we need. It's not like we're getting killed by grounders or anything.
Whilst everyone else we're going back to wherever they came from, I stood, admiring the sky for a second. I had nothing else to do, so why the hell not. It was better than trying to go to sleep. Just as I stood there, enjoying my solitude, freezing my ass off, someone walked up to me, for the first time since her death. I looked to my right to see none other than Octavia Blake herself.
"Listen, I know you're depressed or something about Charlotte, but I need you to help me," Octavia pleaded. I looked at her empty, not caring about what she had to say.
"Don't talk about her," I said calmly, not looking at Octavia. Octavia sighed and grabbed my arm gently. She tried so hard for nothing.
"I need you to come with me. I need to go after Bellamy. I know he went after that drop ship," she pleaded once again. Though it was far from what I imagined myself doing, I probably needed a change in scenery.
"Lead the way," I said with no emotion. Octavia took my hand and we started walking in to the forest.

It seemed like we walked for hours, before finally reaching Bellamy. The forest looked the same. I hadn't been there since she died. I couldn't bring myself to enter.
"Bellamy," Octavia yelled at him, making him stop and turn around. "What are you doing?" He looked pissed.
"Go back to camp, both of you. It isn't safe," Bellamy said, looking at me as if he saw the damage her death had caused.
"You lied to everyone. You lied to me," Octavia said, clearly hurt. "You just want whatever's in that pod."
"Go home," Bellamy pushed Octavia back, trying to get her to leave.
"You always wanna play big brother, huh. Well guess what. Jokes on me, you're just a selfish dick."
"I did this for you. To protect you," he yelled, Octavia clearly taken aback. "Look, if the Ark finds out we're alive, they'll come down. And when they do, I'm dead."
"What did you do?" Octavia asked, looking as if her heart was about to break.
"I shot him. I shot Jaha." I couldn't believe it. So there definitely was more than one murderer in camp. "Look, I found out they were sending you to earth, I couldn't let you go alone. Someone came to me with a deal. Do this, kill him and I get you on the drop ship. And I did it."
"You killed the chancellor?" Octavia asked. Such an eventful week. So many people killing others.
"He floated out mother. He locked you up. He deserved it," Bellamy tried, but Octavia was long gone. Her eyes welled with tears.
"I didn't ask you to do that," she said, like a little child trying to take the blame away. Bellamy only nodded.
"You're right. I made a choice. This is on me. Whatever they sent down I'll take care of it," he said turning his back.
"I didn't ask for any of this." Then she ran, tears falling down her face. Then, Bellamy turned to me, for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime.
"You should go too. You could get hurt out here," He tried, but I only scoffed.
"I don't care. I can do whatever I want. I don't care if I get hurt, I don't care if I die," I said, walking away, going back to camp. Octavia and Bellamy could go screw themselves for all I care.

As I walked back to camp, I felt weaker than ever before. My legs were truly caving in as I tried getting as far as possible. Truth was, I didn't care if I lived or died. I probably deserved to die. But if I was going to die, I at least wanted to die a more dignified death. I continued walking, my legs not being able to take the weight anymore. I fell down on my knees, panting as I couldn't take anymore. I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted Clarke to go away. I wanted Bellamy to go away. I wanted Octavia to go away. Everyone that I thought once cared about me had turned their backs and I didn't even know why. But I didn't care anymore. I couldn't care anymore. Caring was weakness. Weakness was death. As I sat on the ground, I felt dizziness taking over me. Then everything blackened.

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