Fuck up

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After a few minutes we arrived at the venue. I looked out the car nervously. Tones and tones of fans were standing waiting for us. I put on my hood and my glasses and we got out of the bus. The crowed erupted. I could only catch a few things of what they were saying-

Nothing about me. Well i guess that's good—

I was stunned. There's no way. Before i could react we were pushed into the venue. The boys noticed my shocked look and came over to me. Harry spoke first

"Hey is something wrong nialler?" He looked at me with a worried face on. I quickly shook my look and nodded my head.

"The fans just shocked me that's all" i said with a chuckle. They all patted me on the back and we continued to walk. I was walking a few steps behind the rest of the boys. Zayn slowed down and came next to me

"I heard what they said out there." I looked down at the floor and my fake smile faded.
"Oh really what about?" I tried to sound like i hadn't heard anything. He shook his head at looked into my eyes.

"Don't listen to them Niall. You deserve to be in the band as much as the rest of us." I plastered a smile on my face and he gave me a short hug. After that we caught up with the rest.

The words that he and that fan said swirled through my mind. I was happy he said that but i still felt so much doubt in my mind. Maybe i didn't belong in the band. I mean it's possible. I just hate myself so much.

We were working on mapping the stage and i wasn't paying much attention. I felt too self conscious. Like no one really wanted me there. I tugged at my sweatshirt feeling fat. I tried to fix my blond hair and rubbed my bright blue eyes. Soon enough i walked close enough to the edge just about to fall off

"HEY NIALL" i felt arms pulling me from the edge and crashing backwards onto the stage. I was in shock till i saw Liam get up from next to me on the floor. "Niall are you ok?? What was that!" Liam was the one that grabbed me from falling. I blinked a few times before getting up. With that i fell back to the floor. It was me knee. Dammit my knee.

"Niall?? NIALL? Are you ok?" No no not again. I already injured my knee this can't happen again.

"Yeah yeah I'm fine i just need to ice it" i was holding back tears from how badly it actually hurt. Harry ran and grabbed me a chair. I sat down in the back room and started to ice it. Why! Why do i always mess up! The rest of the boys continued to map the stage. Suddenly i heard voices from the room over.

"Listen Niall is becoming a problem." Sounded like our assistant manager.
"He's just a little out of it cut him some slack!" That was definitely Louis. He always had my back.
"Listen we cant deal with his problems anymore! He's always messing things up! He's not as talented as you boys"

" DO NOT TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT!" At this point Louis was screaming at the lad. "Leave Niall alone. He'll get himself together" after this Louis stormed out of the room. Coming face to face with me. At this point hot tears were running down my face.

"N-Niall... how much did you hear?" At this point all the boys were standing in front of me watching my eyes say things i couldn't.

"I-i-i gotta go" was all i was able to say before i ran/limped out of the venue. At this point i was running. I didn't know where. But i ran. Eventually i made it back to our house. I ran up the stairs and went to my room. My back slid against the back of the door. I curled my legs to my chest. I don't really know why but i was sobbing into my legs now. How could he think that. That means it's all true all those tweets! They were only telling me the truth that i was too blind to see! I ran over to my phone and went to Twitter.

"You really don't deserve to be in the band"
"Can he die already?? Lol the band would be so much better without him"
"Niall CANT sing oh my god!!!"

It's all true isn't it! It's all true! I always knew i wasn't as pretty or built as the rest of the boys. I'm just a MESS up!! THAT ALL I EVER AM! THATS ALL ILL EVER BE! at this point my heart was shattered. I've always hated the way i looked. I've always hated that i was me. But now i see.

Everyone else sees it too.

I was getting so overwhelmed by the thoughts inside my head. You're suck a fuck up! I hate me i hate me i hate me! Why can't you be pretty like the rest?? Why can't you not take things so seriously? Why do you always cause the trouble. Why are you alive??

These thought swirled my head. I handed my head against the door over and I've again till i couldn't handle it anymore. I heard of something once. That someone tweeted me. It went like "wouldn't be surprised if he cut. I mean he's just that useless" That what i was going to do. I had to do something! Anything! Before my mind eats me up.

I ran towards the bathroom. I opened he draw and found a razor. I look of the blade and put it to My arm. At first i couldn't do it. But than i saw more and more people telling me how worthless i was pop up on my phone.

"They are right Niall! They are right!" I convinced myself. Soon enough i did it. I dragged the bade across my upper arm. Once, twice, three times and again. Soon enough my arm was gushing out blood. I felt. I felt released. My mind couldn't focused on the pain on the inside but the new pain from the outside.

I hope they are happy. They have officially broke me.

Niall Horan (sad) one direction Ziall Where stories live. Discover now