The Pursuit of Felicity

{ Chapter 15 }

When I reach the corner, I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding and lean over a bit. That hurt...a lot. Here I was, thinking I was making progress by not thinking about him as much but seeing him sent a shock through my body. A painful, sharp, hard shock. I curl my arms up and place my wrists on either side of my head, giving myself tunnel vision. Why did that hurt so much?

You know why it hurt so much, you idiot. I stare at the sky before closing my eyes and attempting to rid my brain of the thoughts of Cameron. I'm interrupted by the ringing of my phone, which causes me to jump. I fish it from my pocket and look at the caller ID. Gen. It's just Gen.

"Hello?" I enter the conversation, clearing my throat for a second after the word leaves my lips.

"Where are you?" she questions me worriedly.

"I, uh, had to get some fresh air," I respond as I tug another hand through my freshly straightened hair, which is frizzing up because of the humidity. I couldn't care less at this point.

"Oh, well are you coming back inside?" she presses and I let out a long sigh.

"I, uh, saw him," I stumble over my words like an idiot. A short silence ensues before I clear my throat once more. "So I'm just going to head home."

"Are you okay?" she asks and I force myself to nod, knowing she can't see me. It feels more like its for me than anyone else.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie as I continue to bob my head. "My ride's almost here. I'll see you later." As I hang up, I decide to actually call a ride before I can backtrack in hopes of finding Cam again. So much for a night of fun.

+++

"How are you?" my sister questions curiously. I can tell she's still bitter about my bad decision making skills but at the end of the day, I'm still her sister. "You know, after having shattered that poor boys heart?"

I stare at the all-too familiar menu at Cuppa. I don't even know why I'm looking so hard. I already know what I'm going to get. "I'm not exactly fine but I'm still kicking," I mumble into the phone.

"You know, the first week, I was convinced you'd cave and go crawling back. The second week, I was still sure about it. It's been three weeks and you haven't even brought it up. Has the thought occurred to you? At all?" she wonders.

"Of course," I scoff at her. "Every single day. I just know better than to do it. I keep reminding myself why I left in the first place- for him."

Before my sister can reply, I place my order, pay, and join the other caffeine addicts waiting for their drinks. I continue to talk to my sister, who drops low blows every few minutes to remind me that she still hasn't forgiven me for what I did. I half-listen to her, half focus on listening for my name.

Most people here getting coffee at nearly 10 at night are studying for midterms. I just need it so I can stay up and watch Netflix longer. Every night these last few weeks, I've gone to bed at roughly 11:30. There's nothing, or no one, to keep me up later. I want to enjoy my Friday night alone, seeing as the girls are out on dates. Just as the bell over the door rings, signifying another customer, my name is called.

"Felicity!" they yell as the place my drink on the counter. I retrieve my drink and turn towards the door, which is being held open. I stop dead in my tracks when I find Cameron closing his umbrella and shaking the droplets of rain from his hair. He looks up at me and our eyes lock, resulting in a gymnast style routine from my stomach. Cam stares at me and I return his strong gaze, wishing I'd have just stayed home. No, I really wish I wouldn't have walked out that day.

"Fee? Fliz?" my sister blabs in my ear but I'm too busy trying to get my legs to work. I eventually manage to fall back into my stride and avert my gaze from Cam. I feel him watching me as I exit Cuppa, not even bothering to take a second to open my umbrella. "Just ignore me, its fine."

"I just ran into Cam at the coffee shop," I tell her once I'm halfway down the street.

"Awkward," my sister mumbles. "He should've thrown hot coffee at you."

"He doesn't get hot coffee," I tell her with a roll of my eyes. "He gets black cold brew."

"You remember," she coos and I feel my chest tighten.

"I wish I didn't," I mutter into the phone. "It'd be so much easier if I could just forget everything. You know what's really pathetic? Sometimes, I catch whiffs of him around my room. I was doing laundry yesterday and I went to throw in one of my hoodies but I guess I wore it when I hung out with him, so it smelled like him."

"Did you wash it?" she asks, which gets a quiet sigh from me.

"I'm wearing it right now," I confess in a hushed tone as I look down at the black pullover.

"Fee," my sister mutters sadly and I let out another sigh but this one is louder.

"I know. This could've all been avoided. I know. I know. I know a thousand times," I tell her as I stare at my apartment in the distance.

"That's not what I was going to say," she replies. "I was going to apologize for being so harsh. I keep forgetting that you've never gone through anything like this before. I think I was upset because finding a good guy who cares is really, really rare and so many girls have to settle for assholes; I guess I just took that annoyance out on you. It takes time but you'll eventually start feeling better. It's a process though."

I shake my head as I adjust my umbrella. "I've gotten used to beating myself up about it. It's the only thing that's stopping me from picking up the phone and giving him a call," I confess. "I'm trying to move on and I'm trying to let him move on but its so hard."

"I know," she assures me.

"Seeing him hurts. Thinking about him hurts. Hearing about him hurts. I just miss him a lot," I explain as I start up the steps to my porch. I unlock the front door and shut it behind me. By the time I reach my apartment, my sister is in a full-fledged explanation as to how things will get better and how it'll be easier soon.

"How long will it take?" I question and she's silent. "Nola?"

"Well...it depends on how much you liked him," she replies, which gets a loud sigh from me.

"So it's going to take a while," I concur as I drop onto my bed. "Is there any way I can speed up the process?"

"I'd say closure but I don't think you talking to him is the best idea for either of you," she mutters after a minute of thought. I take the brief interlude to remove my shoes. She takes another pause and I can tell she's waiting to ask a question. "Have you reached out to anyone? You know...like Rex or Danny?"

I let out a bitter laugh. "I can't even look at anyone else without automatically comparing them to Cam," I confess. "I don't even find myself being attracted to people, Nola."

"You really liked him, huh?" she questions and I want to sigh.

"More than I thought," I huff out a response.

"It's okay. You're coming home tomorrow and you have a week away from school. You can just relax and hang out with us. Not to mention, we're all cooking for Thanksgiving so you get a break from dining hall food. Just stop beating yourself up about it. What's done is done; all you can focus on now is moving past it."

"I just feel like I messed up. Like maybe Cam and I could've worked if I would've tried a little harder," I mumble quietly.

"Maybe, but it's too late for that now," she responds glumly. "You just have to learn from it."

I let out a sigh as I stretch out on my bed. I really messed up.