I wouldn't look at him and stared straight at the wall, trying to clear my mind. My paranormal fear was getting the best of me and I hated it, absolutely hated it. Why couldn't I just go out and face my fans how I wanted to? Open arms and a bright smile, ready to interact with them. I owed everything to them, yet I just couldn't give it all back. Why was I so scared? Why!
My eyes were watering and I hadn't blinked in some time, when I did the first drop started to fall and I hid my face in my hands, hoping Elliot hadn't seen. I wished he would have just left me to my breakdown, I didn't want him to see me like this.
The warmth of his gentle hand was still rubbing circles as I struggled to hold in my stupid, salty tears. The long sleeve burnout shirt I had on wasn't doing a very good job of absorbing them, either. I couldn't actually touch my eyes in fear that my makeup would ruin the shirt. I wanted a tissue, my appearance most likely that of a raccoon; a sad, depressed, raccoon.
"Addy," Elliot began to whisper in such a small voice I could never imagine him using, "you know you can tell me anything. I'm not impervious to emotions like some guys. I'm here."
I pushed the tears down and tried to think, to really think about why I was having a panic attack. But sometimes thinking never gets me anywhere, and talking does wonders. So I stopped trying to hold back what I was saying and stopped controlling my thoughts, something I haven't done in a long time. For years, nearly everything I've said I've thought too much about. Maybe because I'm always worried I'm going to say the wrong thing or that people won't care. But I didn't stop myself from spilling it all out, and my internal sense of reason took a break.
"I'm scared that the Adelaide Maddox they want is not the Addy I am."
I didn't sigh in relief for finally saying those words I'd held back for so long, instead I regretted saying them at all. I was a wreck, a complete and utter wreck. And I was more worried than ever after his impending silence, that I was right.
Through the walls the talking crowd's energy was becoming higher and they became louder. It was no where near the frenzy of a concert, but they were wild for this signing. They were wild for me, something that I'll never understand. I'm just a girl who sits around in sweatpants, is dedicated to her laptop like it's a bible, and makes up stories of how she wishes her life could be. I'm that person you would pass in the halls every day of high school and yet never know their name, at least I used to be. I used to wish for my life to flip completely on me, for that one spontaneous moment that everything would change. Now I'm careful what I wish for.
As I listened to the squeals of prepubescents and grown women alike, I wanted to turn back time and not be so famous. With such notability comes and air of expectancy and standards, ones I wasn't prepared to meet.
The fresh streams of tears continued down steadily and harmoniously, I didn't even try to hold back. Any thoughts about the makeup I'd applied or how puffy and unattractive my face was, only added to my hurt, I was crying because I was upset and upset because I was crying.
I would have sat there like that for some time before feigning illness and canceling the signing, rescheduling it some other time and taking my roller coaster of emotions in strides until that point. That was how I would deal; the emotions I was going through at that moment used to be widespread and therefore easier to handle. It was easier to take bit by bit. The wave I was taking was more than enough to knock me over.
I would have done all those things if Elliot hadn't of been there.
His hand moved to wrap his arms around me and pull me into that business suit that was so clean, it was a shame that my tears would ruin it. He smelled that same kind of amazing, only a whiff entering my nose through the building mucus.
YOU ARE READING
I Write Romances, Not Live ThemTeen Fiction
Five-time New York Times #1 bestseller, Adelaide Maddox, is not like normal 21 year-olds for many reasons. Not only is she one of the most popular romance novelists, she's hiding something from her readers. She's never been in love, never even been...