(Anicentricity) locked in a room with a baby

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It is DUMB AS HELL to name a baby.

First: who even cares about babies? at all????


Second: why bother trying to distinguish one baby from another? They're babies. They're all dumb idiots that add NO value. Oh, this baby with drool and mashed-up food all over its face over here is somehow different from that baby furiously pooping itself in the corner over there? No. Who cares. Ignore both of them.

Thirdly, and way more philosophically: by giving a baby name aren't you committing a sort of violence against some or all of its possible future selves? Because theoretically, within each baby there is an entity that will want to exercise its voice in determining not just who it is as a person, but what its brand and value propositions are. By slapping a name across that stupid baby before it learns to use its own dumb voice, you're attaching a set of expectations that will not only guide its own decision-making, but color the impressions of every other person and brand it interacts with for the rest of its life.

Like say you get locked in a room with a baby. You know nothing whatsoever about this baby. Maybe it's cute, maybe it's annoying, but you really have no opinion. Then you learn that the baby's name is ButtLord420. You now have an opinion about that baby. You now envision that baby as it grows up. You now have a certain set of expectations about who that baby is, what it's life is like. You're still just locked in a room with a baby, but now you desperately hope you can get out of that room before the baby learns to talk and won't shut up about its favorite band or sativa strain.

Your brand is for you to decide. Not as a baby, but as a person, after you're done being a baby. It seems obvious but it's called science, look it up.

This is explained to all the kids raised in the Secure Future Building for Babies, emblazoned on the backs of their eyeballs as soon as they can focus their eyes and demonstrate object permanence towards a screen. Every season a bunch of new babies start their lives off at the Secure Future Building, free institutionalized childcare being just one of the many ways Wood2 provides value for its population. It's there that babies are taught that a good brand, a lasting brand, takes thoughtfulness and patience. It requires you to really know your self: your desires, your goals, and your value-add. Everything that comprises your brand is for you to decide about yourself.

So: at one point there's a baby who's given the temporary ID x_80k607. She (she decides at some point she is a she) is tended over by the Grandparents and given plenty of screen time to learn about color and fashion and content creation. She learns about authenticity and online etiquette. She learns about acceptance of difference and community service and the idea that sexuality and gender are spectrums, not binaries. She memorizes important historical brands, watches all the best shows, and studies the celebrity interactions that have shaped Wood2 and made it the perfect, lasting city that it is. She's given the space to explore her creativity and really get to know herself so that when the time comes she cans launch a successful brand and start giving back to the city that has invested so much her.

School, real school, usually doesn't start until your mid- to late teens, when you finally start to exhibit a tolerable personality and the ability to construct a reasonably compelling narrative. If you even go to school at all. Play it right and you can skip the manufactured drama and go right to your own show. Some kids might drop out early, fast-tracked to different shows, once they're able to articulate their brand proposition. Good singer, amazing skin, attitude for days, important parents. Some are just there for a few years, but most are there for the full 10 years, all the way to Personhood Day, when they select their ubi, their unique brand identifier, and are sent off into the city to create content. Most of them won't amount to much, but that's OK. The city needs background characters too. It's the vast blankness of the night-time sky that makes the stars shine so bright.

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