Note: So after going through some things, I decided to write this as a kind of therapy for myself lol. But I hope y'all enjoy it! :)
It felt like my heart was being chipped away bit by bit, like all the warmth and love had been scraped out of my chest with a spoon, leaving me hollow inside. It felt as if a piece of me went with him when he walked away. And knowing that...he did it anyway. Directly after the breakup, I could tell Dean wanted to murder him. Sam, too, for that matter.
But I was so blind and numb to everything around me, I'd even begun ignoring Jack. Not on purpose, we'd been best friends ever since he arrived but...I couldn't make myself want to interact with anyone. All I wanted to do was wallow in my own hopeless grief. And now, every single sad song on the radio made my eyes sting with tears, thinking of him and all our lost memories. It was like everything was just falling away now...
Glancing down at the old CD of the songs he used to sing with his band, I couldn't help but feel a flicker of rage erupt in my chest. Snatching it quickly from my blue and white bedspread, I plucked it out of the case and savagely began to scratch at it with the tips of my fingernails before pulling it away to gaze down at my work. But the long indentations in the glimmering surface only gave me a slight buzz of joy before my high crashed again and I bit my lip.
It had been over a long between us, I suppose. But...I just never thought he'd lie like he did, doing things just to get back with her - the girl who'd cheated on him, broke his heart. As it turns out, I was just a distraction, a plaything to make her jealous. Evidently, it must've worked because they were together again now after we'd broken up, happy as ever. And he didn't think twice about giving his heart to her again while he walked away, leaving mine shattered on the floor in his wake. I'd never really believed in love before him and I sure didn't believe in love now...
The familiar squeak of my bedroom door made my head snap to the sound, my eyes meeting baby blue orbs. I could feel the cracks in my heart created by my ex thump painfully in my chest before I averted my gaze. Poor Jack. He'd been trying to so hard to get me talk, open up to him. But I couldn't. I was too...too afraid. I'd opened myself up once and got hurt. Who's to say that wouldn't happen again? Didn't it always? Didn't caring for someone always do that to you?
Wordlessly, he walked into the room, strands of dirty blond hair catching the fluorescent lighting overhead as he gingerly made his way over to where I sat, feet dangling off the side of my bed.
"May I sit down?" he asked me softly, his voice low.
I glanced up to meet his gaze, seeing the concern radiating there and slowly, I nodded my consent. He lowered himself down onto the bed beside me and we lapsed into silence, only broken by the quiet whir of the fan overhead and then by Jack's own voice.
"Why won't you talk to me?" he questioned finally with a sharp tone, catching me off-guard.
"What?" I asked in confusion.
"Why won't you...why won't you talk about this?" he asked me, softer this time.
Chewing on my bottom lip, I let out a long sigh, feeling my heart constrict in my chest. Sam and Dean had been trying to get me to talk about it for a while now but I refused. What made Jack think I'd talk to him instead? I'd known the boys for the past two years now, I'd only known Jack for a few months. What made him so different from them? I stood up then, walking over to the mirror hanging over my dresser.
I gazed at the girl looking back at me, suddenly ashamed of what I saw. I wasn't like her, I didn't look like her. I'd never found her particularly beautiful but he did. He did so she must...she must be better than me. In ever way. She was put together, sophisticated, loved by so many.
And I...I was just me. A nobody...but I'd been his nobody...
"Why wasn't I good enough?" I whispered, tears stinging my eyes as I fought to keep them in, feeling self-loathing wash over me in waves, "What did I do wrong?"
Jack was behind me in an instant, hands on my shoulders as his eyes locked on mine through the silver reflection of the mirror.
"Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you at all," he assured me but I brushed off his words, too distracted by the pieces of my heart, left chipped and cracked in my chest.
"I dreamed we would be together, you know. That things would work out. I thought it was a sign, an omen...that things could be real with him. That I could be real with him," I confessed, sucking in a sharp breath to keep in the tears though I could sense them fighting to come out.
Jack said nothing to this, just let me talk and release it all, his hands squeezing my shoulders gently now and then.
"Maybe I was just being stupid, thinking someone could love me... That I could love someone like that... I don't know if I can do that again, that I can feel that again. Or even if I'd want to. He...he broke down my walls and...and then he left," I choked out, covering my mouth to stifle a sob.
Before I could push him away, put my walls back up, Jack had spun me around into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around me. And then I let it go. I let it all go, like a dam breaking apart, like a building crumbling down to the ground. The tears came out in loud sobs that wracked my body, my fingers clutching fistfuls of his shirt in my hands, bringing him as close as I could as I cried into the soft material of his shirt. And he never let go once. Jack never let me go once.
In a gesture that I barely registered at the time, he pressed a sweet kiss to my hair before resting his chin on the crown of my head, hand rubbing up and down my back slowly, comfortingly.
"You don't feel it now, you won't for a long, long time, I know but...as bad as it is, as bad as it hurts right now - one day, you'll feel better. One day, your heart will heal. You won't be sad forever. I promise. Someday you'll see the reason why...sometimes there's good in goodbye..." he told me, his words both comforting and hurting at the same time.
But I knew what he meant. And he was right. One day, I wouldn't feel it. One day, all of this would be a distant memory - bittersweet and something that helped me learn and grow. I'd never forget him, I knew that much for certain. And I didn't regret the time I spent loving him but we were always meant for other people, other things.
I'd be happy again one day, just like Jack said.
And maybe...maybe there was good in goodbye.
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