I at this age I had a girlfriend. And was actually a rlly crap partner to her. But anyway um I had a gf. But I sorta found myself looking at boys.... and at that point I labelled myself as bi. Told my gf and tried to move past it.
But then I got really really confused about my sexuality and thought I was just gay so broke up with her....
14- this was more a age I just figured shit out with sexuality
15- I was ratherly unhappily forced out to all of my friends! Bc some ass found a tweet I put on a private Twitter and decided she'd tell everyone ! And everyone else then decided to interrogate me at lunchtime! Fun! That wasn't fun. I remember that day...yikes
16- the gender questions and my sexuality mission continues. .
September 2017- I told my mum and dad I like boys. Which now sounds daft. A GIRL liking BOYS !? CRAZY! But they don't know imma girl and neither did i at that point so chill XD
November/October 2017- I briefly identified at nonbinary for a while and used the name Charlie. This didn't last long as an irl found out and I ran back into the closet and locked it shut XD
After a while I got a boyfriend! January 2018 ! Oh how he made me happy! But fuck was that 8 day relationship and 2 month break up rlly hard ! I miss him as a friend... ALOT. But oh well. Anyway he is trans. And idk but somewhere around then is where I learned more about gender and being trans and the whole community.
It was an eye opener. Also the relationship made me realise how bad my mental health was lol XD but that's another story
Ummm let's say late Febuary/Early March? But idk for sure- I start properly questioning gender and again sexuality.... I wasn't sure if I liked girls or not. I wasn't sure what to say when I was asked sexuality. How do u say "I like boys but er non binary ppl too" like um no that didn't work.
Then one day this cute girl came in work and I freaked out bc I was happy to realise I like girls too XD
I thought about it and sorta thought actually I don't give a fuck about gender of the person ! Or their sex what's in their pants doesn't matter XD
If I like a person I like a person. I have a type yes but gender doesn't really factor into it.... I have a preference for masculine looking ppl tho... usually.
I started identifying as genderfluid. This lasted a good few months ! I chose the name I still use rn, Billie ! Something that I saw as neutral but female leaning...I did wonder why I wanted a girlier name when i was trying to make it neutral so I guess I knew I was maybe lying to myself.
With genderfluid I guess it was maybe a confused phase or a denial phase but it was s thing none the less.
I'm glad I went though that tho bc I made amazing friends through amino and communities and so many places <3
Let's say maybe June/July time I PROPERLY started to think "well what if I'm just straight up trans?" Bc I had considered it a couple of times b4...
I had put on here a few times to my two friends I had on here at that point that I'd questioned it and like maybeee was just a girl.
I think it was I knew it was there but didn't wanna admit it.
(I just realised I've used the name Billie for almost all this year wtf)
But erm yeah ! .
It was 5th July I put on here I'm a trans girl.
That's over 3 months ago....
Shit have i really been identifying as a trans woman for that long!!?? Jeeeeez
It took alot of self acceptance and I think maybe a little prompt from friends, they didn't know it. One of u I just met and we discussed gender alot and idk something clicked in my brain. But yh something went "ok. I'm a girl"
And I LOVE being a girl. Like idk it's great feeling girly and feminine and fun! (Girls can be masculine tho. And trans ones <3 y'all r valid) but then being a TRANS girl isn't fun at all. Actually that's hell. The trans part I HATE. But that's irrelevant.
Dysphoria isn't something that hits you for the first time overnight ofc
But I think once you acknowledge it and accept it's there it becomes a whole lot harder to deal with. It's at the forefront of your brain more. You know what it is. It's weird but once I accepted i was trans the dysphoria felt alot worse bc I can explain it now. I can put a name to it. I can feel it and know what it is. And it's hell. .
So now we r at October 11th 2018. International Coming Out Day!
And I'm a slightly out pansexual transgender girl.
I'm like a child poking my head outta the closet to check for the monsters I'm hiding from ? (does that make sense?)
I'm dipping my toes into the pool of trans life.
Anyway enough metaphors and similies! Lol
I'm out to two irls as a trans girl. Pansexual idk. Fuck knows. Most ppl I've told seem to have forgotten and just say I'm gay !? So I've given up with that. But oh well.
The lgbtqpa+ group chat still thinks I use they/them BUT the gc is dead and the group seems to have stopped at lunch times sooo it's not a problem.
I wanted to tell one person today.
The person i was gonna tell is my best friend.... she'd probably accept me but she'd feel awkward and weird. And uh idk she could push me away for abit
I'm terrified of losing her
And rn I'm not ready to tell her so we can forget about that one
But yh I think that's generally it!
LOVE U PEEPS X
YOU ARE READING
THIS BOOK IS TRANS*Non-Fiction
a book about my life as a transgirl and how i started identifying as genderfluid then found my way to being trans. Also general information and tips! Highest ranking- #1 on #gender #11 on #mtf