Broken by Time

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Author: LucytheSaltyFox

Genre: Fantasy/Romance

I think the cover suits the idea of the story quite well, but I don't feel that the mood matches. I find the cover to be more angry and passionate, whereas the story contains a rather fearful mood. 
The title is perfect for the story, and your audience can immediately link the title with what it may mean in the story. 

Some areas in the story I feel could be elaborated on a bit further. For example, in Chapter 1, you wrote "I started to basically freak out." Your audience can't exactly imagine what you mean by that. Perhaps you could describe the adrenaline that the character felt, or her fear, rather than simply stating that she "freaked out." 

I also noticed that in Chapter 2, "A Name," you used the term "cringe/cringed" multiple times. I felt that this took away from the story a bit, as the words became more repetitive as the story continued. 

Grammar errors:
Chapter 2: "Why else would they use those? His gaze pointedly dug..." Here, you are missing a closing quotation mark, which is needed to show the audience where your character stops speaking. 

In your writing, you often show when a character hesitates by using two periods/ellipsis'. For example, in Chapter 3, you wrote "Hey what's.." When you want to show a pause, you may want to use the typical three periods instead of two, such as "Hey, what's..." 

I feel that the flow and organization of the story could be improved. For example, in Chapter 1, you begin by describing how your main character had forgotten everything about herself. The setting was vivid, and I could imagine her feelings and frustration when you explained how the character didn't even know what she looked like. Although you begin the story by writing "There isn't much I remember from before the accident..." it was a bit abrupt and unexpected when you actually worked into the section about the accident. The first paragraph about how the character doesn't remember anything isn't related closely enough that you can just work into the details of the accident. I think it could be made more clear that there is a change in setting, as I was a bit confused during the transition from the first paragraph to the second one. I assumed that the setting would remain the same, but the sudden change made the story somewhat difficult to follow. 
Perhaps you could begin the story with the paragraph about the accident, and then work your way to the present. 

Something that you should keep an eye out for is the formatting of the dialogue you use in your story. When a different character talks, his/her speech should begin on a new line. However, if the same characters is speaking at different times without another person responding or commenting, his/her speech can be separated by dialogue tags. I found it a bit confusing when characters were speaking with one another, as the dialogue was often written in a single long paragraph. 

I found the writing style to be very descriptive, and I had no trouble imagining the setting or the characters. Although the setting was dark and gloomy, I was able to clearly picture Aria's cell, and I could imagine Aria's pain in her ankle and how the bars felt against her hands. I could also imagine her frustration when she couldn't remember anything and her willingness to develop herself into a new person. 

I thought you did a great job of developing the characters, especially Aria, since she had no memory of herself or her personality. I think you did an excellent job of showing the audience who the characters were through their dialogue. The story also contains constant little bits of suspense, such as when the mirror shattered and your subtle mentions of the characters' "abilities."

Overall, I thought the story was quite entertaining, but the pace seemed a bit slow. I feel as though the first couple of chapters could be sped up a bit. Otherwise, I thought the plot was original and I liked the characters!

Any fans of the "Shatter Me" series may find this story to be interesting!

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