Death Stories with Zoe

Killing Kevin: A Kardashian Krime Story

It was supposed to be the greatest day of Kevin Fanning's life.

He had managed to score a ticket to a special screening of A Star is Born at Landmark Kendall Square, at which Stephanie Joanne Germanotta, known to the masses as Lady Gaga, would not only be meeting with fans afterwards for a Q&A but would also—ALSO—be serving arancini alla nonna to the audience from her grandmother's cherished recipe.

Seriously. This was going to be an epic day.

Even though Kevin had already seen A Star is Born three times, he planned to arrive at the movie theater at least two hours early so that no haters would block him from getting a seat in the very first row. He wasn't surprised to see that other people had been thinking similar thoughts. A line of about twenty people had already formed. But Kevin wasn't worried. When the moment arrived, he would not hesitate to hurdle seats and tell elaborate lies if necessary about being part of Lady Gaga's private security team to secure a seat within arm's length of where Stephanie Germanotta, his one true queen, would sit to take questions.

Little did Kevin know that he was not the only pop culture expert and fashion dynamo on the block that day. Because he'd been tweeting nonstop for weeks about his intention to attend this special screening, his #1 enemy in the universe had booked a kross-kountry flight to konfront him in a major way.

In a deadly way.

That's right.

Kris Jenner had made her way to the Boston area with the sole intention of murdering Kevin to bring an end to the dangerous fan fictions he had been writing about her most favorite daughter, Kimberly. Kevin didn't know this—how could he?—but his futuristic tale of how Kim Kardashian West would one day lead a revolution against an oppressive government was dangerously close to the truth and he had jeopardized the safety of the United States of America! In fact, gaining the good graces of White House staff was all part of Kanye's plan to keep Kim abreast of political intelligence. While the rest of the country thought he was going krazy, this was in fact Kanye's brilliant strategy.

Kevin hadn't known it while he was writing them, but his Wattpad stories were a bit prophetic. Everything was coming true! President Trump hadn't organized a press release yet, but through Kanye, Kris had learned that very soon the Supreme Court would vote to impose a tax on selfies, which would soon after be replaced with a complete ban. And the more Wattpad readers read Kevin's stories, the more they would know about how Kim planned to topple the regime...

...And the greater the likelihood that the president would catch on.

Kris was a woman whose fortune and power was built upon selfies—and the entire koncept of selfies and self-fascination. Every war has its victims, and Kevin Fanning was simply going to have to be the first kasualty of this one.

Luckily for Kris, her close, personal friend Ryan Seacrest was the kountry's most skilled serial killer. Immediately after landing at Logan airport and hightailing it to the closest Dunkin,' Kris had assembled her glock exactly as Ryan had instructed, and had boarded the Red Line to Cambridge on a mission.

As soon as she spotted Kevin in line—which was easy because he was a foot taller than all of the women who'd arrived early for the screening—she inched her way toward him. She aimed her gun (which was koncealed by the sleeve of her Balmain coat) at Kevin's back, right around where she suspected his heart was located.

"Is that Kris Jenner?" a girl standing a few feet away from Kevin asked as Kris passed her.

Kevin whirled around at the mention of the Kardashians' matriarch. But just as he did, Kris FIRED!

Everyone in line screamed and fled as Kevin grabbed at his chest. Blood bloomed across the front of his hoodie as he felt his heart beating wildly, erratically, desperately!

"Sorry it had to be this way," Kris apologized. "Kim's a fan. But you kannot stop a revolution."

"But—but—Kris!" Kevin gasped. "I was only—trying—to—help!"

But it was too late. Kris kackled into the afternoon air before trotting away in her Jimmy Choo wedge sandals.

Three days later, Chrissy Teigen openly wept at Kevin's funeral as his body lay in its coffin... light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Comment below if you'd like me to write a death story for you! Throughout October, I'll be randomly honoring (un)lucky requests! And don't forget - Light as a Feather comes out in bookstores across the US on Tuesday, October 9!