22 - Everybody hates me

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🎶 The more I read it, yeah
        the more I take offense 🎶
EVERYBODY HATES ME - THE CHAINSMOKERS

     It's been a week.

  A week since I spoke to Meredith. A week since I heard from Clement. A week since my parents bothered me.

So yeah, it's been a really long week.

    I was leaving my locker to attend my last class for the day, A shadow casts in my line of sight, but from the bangs and waves, no need to confirm the person.

"hey" Meredith's whisper came out a lot shallow than her personality could reach.

  I took that chance to look at her. After a week, Meredith looks dull. The light in her eyes faded, but still held an ounce of hope.

  Hope that my thoughts might have changed after a week.

but guess what? it hasn't.

"how have you been? you know.. with Hunter far away and all?" The name made me cringe.

  Disgust brewed in my belly at the thought of his hands on my body.

   And this feeling has been there for the past three days.

  But come to think of it, This week had been the most peaceful week of my life. That's what I needed to have done a long time ago, to push everyone away and get my peace.

"Iris, why are you mad at me?, this silence is killing me."

    Was I mad at her? I couldn't tell. Was I mad at anyone?  I don't think so.

  Who was I really angry at? every one seemed to have a role in my current behavior, but who was I actually mad with?

I could blame Hunter for what he did, but I can't, because if only I wasn't vulnerable, he won't have done that.

    I could blame my parents but they need the money to sustain us as a family, so I couldn't blame them either.

   I could also blame Meredith and Clement for convincing me to go to that party in the first place, but I can't, because I left their side when they clearly told me not to.

   So who was I angry at?

myself.

  I'm angry at myself for being weak, for being worthless, for being stupid.

   I'm angry at myself for hoping and believing that there was a light at the end of my tunnel.

   I'm angry at myself for standing strong for so long, just to get broken like a flimsy ceramic bowl.

I am angry at myself.

" I'm not mad at you " the least I could do was to assure her.

"oh, uhmm.... well in that case, can-" I had to cut her short because this conversation is not what i look forward to.

"I'm not mad at you doesn't mean I'm okay with you" make it simple and clear.

"oh" that's all she said, and I have never been more grateful for her lack of speech.

   With a nod, I strutted to my class.

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  The final bell of the day rang, now my routine.

quick stop at my locker.

off to my home.

sorry 'house', that sounds better.

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