Affection // irwin

Chapter 25

“So why did you buy it?” I repeat my question.

“Why do you think?” She snaps.

What do I think? I don’t know. I have a thought, but I really hope it isn’t true. I hope Joselyn hasn’t tried doing what I think she’s been trying to do. And if she has, I’m glad she failed, I’m glad she’s still here.

“Do you wanna start elsewhere?”

I can’t hear this right now.

“You’ve already heard a lot about it. People called me names, they bullied me. I was ignored. I didn’t have any friends and I don’t trust anyone. You already know that.”

“What about your parents?”

“They didn’t see anything,” she shrugs.

“But why did you pretend to be asleep when your mother came in?”

She closes her mouth. Maybe her confident isn’t so good after all.

“Tell me,” I demand her.

She takes a deep breath.

“She didn’t see it the first time. She and dad were both blind. Mom ignored me as much as the people in school. It’s not like they were busy, ‘cause they weren’t. They just decided not to care so much about me. Every time Adam did something, broke something or were just being loud, mom blamed it all on me. Told me to look after him better. Dad didn’t tell me to look after Adam, but he didn’t save me from mom’s words either.”

She looks at me and I’m surprised there are no tears in her eyes.

“I always knew I wanted to get away from there. From everything. So I started running. But that didn’t exactly help. It just continued. Year after year. Mom was as oblivious about my problem as before. It wasn’t until…”

“Don’t say it. Don’t say it, Joselyn.”

I shake my head. I refuse to hear this.

“You wanted to hear,” she says. “It wasn’t until I finally decided it was my turn to do something. To actually get away, for good. I didn’t self-harm if that’s what you think. Even if my parents ignored me, they would notice if I got any scars. I was tired of people telling me I should disappear and never come back. People telling me to go kill myself, and I took those words in. Maybe I could do it. Maybe I could just not breathe anymore.”

She drops down on her knees in front of me. Her eyes are turned down to the floor.

“So I started searching online how to do it and pills seemed like an easy way out.”

I shake my head. No, this is not happening. No. I keep shaking my head, side to side, side to side until Joselyn finally looks up and meets my gaze. It’s blurry and I realize I’m the one crying, not her.

“It didn’t work. I threw up all of them. Mom found me on the bathroom floor that night, the sleeping pill can completely empty. She freaked and started shaking me. Her grip was hard, told me I was insane. She left bruises on my skin that lasted for days. Right here.”

She grabs her own wrist and I can tell she’s having a flashback of the happening.

“They took me to a doctor and a psychologist, or psychiatrist or whatever they’re called, but they couldn’t make me talk. I was angry with myself. Angry because I didn’t succeed but also angry because I even tried such a thing. Life wasn’t good at that time. I didn’t talk to anyone. People in school didn’t find out, luckily, or else I’d probably try something like it again. Neither mom nor dad let me out of their sight for 2 years. I had to have my bedroom door open at all times, I had to tell them exactly where I was going or running, whenever I went out, those few times I actually did go out. The reason why I closed my eyes when I heard mom was because I’m not ready for her to freak out again. I already know it will be the same, they will think I need their help, but I don’t. I don’t need their help, Ashton.”

“The bracelet?”

“I bought it to convince myself I was going to be alright. It was a lie. I’ll never be alright.”

I refuse to hear this. I refuse to think that this girl, this beautiful, beautiful girl in front of me, might not have been here. What if she has gone away? What would have happened to me? I would be stuck with Amy and Luke. Who knows what would have happened between us in the future.

I look at her again, after wiping my tears away. Her hair’s messy and needs to be washed. Her shirt is wrinkled and she’s missing a sock. But her eyes, her eyes are the same, sparkling and beautiful. They stare at me.

I always asked about her past. I always pushed her to tell me. Now I know I shouldn’t have. This was far beyond what I had thought. I don’t even know what I thought in the first place. But definitely not this. In one way, everything made sense now. Her flickering gaze, her running, her tears, and the way she held in her words. I knew it all along.

JOSELYN POV 

Ashton continues shaking his head. I don’t think he’s notice I’ve stopped talking. He just sits there, his head going from side to side, his eyes on the floor in front of him. I know what he’s thinking of.

‘How did I end up here with this crazy girl?’

I shouldn’t have told him. I can’t believe I just opened up like that. Told him my full life story. I told myself not to cry, so I held the tears in. I felt nothing when I told the story. My heart just kept beating normally and my thoughts weren’t disturbing me. But then I saw him. I saw him crying and that’s when my heart broke. I don’t know if he heard the change in my voice. And if he did, he didn’t ask me about it.

Ashton’s tears aren’t like regular tears. You see them in his eyes, a thin layer of water just waiting to escape. It shimmers and he blinks once, twice, and then the first tear decides to make its move. The others follow. But it’s not a loud cry, he doesn’t make a sound. You can see how he struggles, trying to hide them, trying to make it stop. His shoulders doesn’t move, his nose doesn’t wriggle. Only his eyes. Those are the only one moving. And his hands, trying to wipe the tears away.