Me not sleeping at all definitely showed. For some reason, when I don't sleep, my adhd acts up way more than I want it too. I get super talkative, and I'll pace around. I'll bounce my leg and stare off into nothing. I tap my fingers on tables and look around constantly. A lot of that is just from lack of sleep though, very few is my adhd. I like to have something to blame other than myself though. I stayed in my bunk until I could hear everyone in the lounge talking amongst themselves. I then made myself present, not bothering to change.
I kept my pajama bottoms and no shirt on. I run my fingers through my hair sleepily as I sit down. I can feel a pair of eyes on me and look up. My eyes met Dallons and I smile ever so slightly. He was checking me out. He hurriedly darts his eyes to his lap. "Did you sleep Brendon?" Zach asks causing everyone to look at me. "Uh.." I say and cough, sitting up a bit more. "Don't lie to me." He says and I sigh. "No. I didn't." I say and I can see Kenny looking at me and I yawn. "Thoughts kept me up." I say. "That's not good. You have a show tonight." Zach says and I nod. "I know, I know. I'll take a nap." I say and he nods slowly.
I know why they're all acting weird. They saw the photo, and only Kenny had the balls to say anything to my face. I appreciate that. I don't wanna explain anything to them, they'll believe what they want anyways. It just sucks now, because anytime Dallon and I are alone, we'll be accused. The stage gay might even have to stop to ensure no one becomes even more suspicious. Maybe then everyone will forget and move on. I notice Dan look at Dallon and then glance at me. When he realizes I caught him, his glance hurriedly goes to the ground.
I wanted to say something so bad, but I didn't. I had to be civil because after all, they have all rights to be curious. I would be too, to be fair. It's also annoying though, because it's none of anyone's business besides Dallons and mine. I'm stuck on this bus with them for another 6 hours, and then I have to also perform on stage with them. Causing a fight isn't the smartest thing to do especially over something that I'm wrong about. I look at Dallon to see he was on his phone. Sad eyes. I decide to text him, in case he doesn't wanna talk about it.
Brendon: you ok?
Dallon: why are you texting me you're right across from me lmao
Brendon: you look sad
Dallon: I'll be okay
Brendon: wanna talk about it?
Dallon: yea but not over text
I stand up, causing Dallon to look at me. "C'mon let's go talk, keeping negative emotions in isn't good for you." I say and Dallon stands up, and we go to the room. I didn't care what they thought. He's sad and needs to talk, so of course I'm gonna let him talk to me. I made sure to lock the door, and I sit on the bed. He sits in front of me, and seemed to be thinking of what he wanted to say. "I'm just afraid." He admits and I was confused. "Like of the show tonight? Because I can assure you you'll kill it lik-" but he cut me off. "No, no of us. I'm afraid of losing you, Brendon." He says, and I felt something pull at my heart. I didn't wanna lose him either, that was the last thing I wanted.
"I don't wanna lose you either, Dal. You mean so much to me." I say, and he pulls me in for a kiss. I didn't wanna lose this either. Yet my actions have consequences and I knew it would all slip from my grip soon enough. But he's here right now, and his lips are pressed to mine and I didn't care about anything else.
During the show, I was totally out of it, I couldn't lie. I zoned out in the middle of a speech, and I wasn't as hyper and happy as usual. The crowd could definitely tell. I know Sarah is here tonight. I know she's gonna scream and cry at me after the show, and I regretted existing at the moment. I fucked things up. I walked over to Dallon, and wrap my arms around him while I continued to sing. I wasn't even trying to be funny, I genuinely needed a hug, even if he couldn't hug back. After the show, I lost it. I got to the dressing room before everyone else, sat down, put my head in my hands and cried while everyone else was still buzzing from the concert.