Ok so imma talk about potential signs I was trans when I was younger ? Some of this may be hella stereotypical.
Some ppl don't realise until they r much older or don't think there was any signs etc and that's ok! But when I think about, I sorta see what lead to this... and like idk just there's a few things. And I guess a couple of times I denied it without even knowing I was pushing away the idea? Ok let's get into it.
Soo when I was much younger I always used to play doctor who in the playground with my friends. Bc I was a huge nerd (and still am).
But I pretty much always used to want to play the female characters? Like I felt a lot more comfortable and a lot more familiar portraying a female character than a male one? I know it's only playing pretend but it's sorta acting if u think about it and much preferred portraying a woman? I'd rather be Sarah Jane smith than Captain Jack Harkness.
Unless I wanted be The Doctor, who is now played by a woman so technically still works 💁♀️
Anyway that was one thing I guess??
I used to borrow my mums things... by borrow I mean like I'd put on my mums heels and walk round the house and then when I was rlly little I'd put on her make up and stuff 😂
Always tryna be a pretty girl aren't I? Lol
I always had a fondness for the colour pink too? NOW COLOURS ARE NOT GENDERED! ITS A COLOUR! But I get my point anyway.
"I want a feminine body but I'm not trans" this was my totally in denial phase. Say from age 13-15 I just identified as a gay cis guy.
A- not gay, im pan
B- not a cis Guy, I'm a trans girl
So I identify a lot differently now!
But I had this sorta idea in my head. That I wanted a girlier body but not to be a girl... which sounds odd but lemme try to explain.
I saw these boys right? Who wear "girls clothes" or have quite wide hips and ass? Like idk they'd be like feminine guys and their body's seemed to work with that? They maybe wore make up too and like idk they were feminine guys'
And I saw that and went "ok well I wanna be that. But not a girl no not that far no way. Just a feminine guy? Ok got it" but like then I'd focus on the body shape a lot.... and I'd moved on to the next phase of thoughts. This is a sorta bad comparison bc cis male drag queens are not the same as trans women. (But anyone can do drag tho. No matter gender)
But I started watching rupauls drag race. And they use all these things to make themselves look "like a woman" like they made their hips wider, stomachs flatter, fake boobs, tucking, and that... intrigued me. But not in a way of "cool I wanna do drag" in a way or "oh so I can have a girlier body, theres shit out there" and idk I sorta connected to the idea of altering yourself to look this girly female way...?
Idk if I'm making ANY sense at this point.
But anyway Yh then like start of this year
I started identifying as genderfluid.
I had realised the disconnect I felt between how I look, present and feel wasn't just "oh damn I'm not wearing wt I wanna wear or looking how I wanna look" ... there was more to it. There's an added layer of "ugh what's in my head doesn't match my biology and I feel trapped and ughhh let me out" hi dysphoria (it's worse than that but that was me tryna keep it simple)
I realised the whole disconnection i have felt wasn't JUST bc I don't express how I want. It's bc I'm genuinely completely wrong. My gender doesn't match the one given at birth.
So then I was consciously aware of my dysphoria... which ngl means I gotta try and cope with it properly now and not dismiss it as something else but oh fucking well.
Anyway i identified as gendefluid for a while? I think that was me still figuring it out but I atleast had found there was this whole part of me that prefers she/her and that her name is Billie and I love the fact I'm Billie! Trans? No I hate it! Being Billie? Actually it's kinda nice :)
So we get to around now ? So like couple of months ago? Idk when I came out as trans lol.
And here I am. Billie the trans girl. It's sucks I'm in the closet to family and the majority of ppl ik. It sucks I have to hide but I atleast have this open online space to be myself ! I can't thank people enough online. I'm quite lucky, I've barely faced any kind of transphobia online... I know for some ppl it's A lot different but for me the internet has been my safe space and I surrounded myself with lots of supportive and awesome people here! But Yh anyway that wasn't even the purpose of this chapter... RIP
Um idk wt else to put. Some of this was stereotypical so sorry. And some of it rambley and not making much sense so sorry again lol
This Trans girl is going now lol
I feel like this chapter is a mess
YOU ARE READING
THIS BOOK IS TRANS*Non-Fiction
a book about my life as a transgirl and how i started identifying as genderfluid then found my way to being trans. Also general information and tips! Highest ranking- #1 on #gender #11 on #mtf