Chapter Twenty-Six

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The second the door clicks, I shut down entirely. I am numb from head to toe. I can't feel my fingertips yanking at the end of my hair or hear the faint rhythm of my heartbeat pounding in my ears. My knees are weak and almost buckle underneath me as I head over to the door. I curve my hands around the cold door handle, but I don't have the willpower to open it. She said she needs space. I want nothing more than to chase after her and make her see that I am not the person I was three years ago but going against what she explicitly demanded from me will just piss her off even more.

"Fuck!" I punch the door, sparking pain from my wrist to my elbow. But it doesn't hurt; nothing can compare to the pain I'm feeling inside.

All of a sudden, the air is too thick to breathe and I'm choking. I storm over to the window and push it open. Cold air blasts in my face and whips my hair around. I sit down on the padded bench and fist my hair, trying my best to keep the little cool I have. My mind is racing with an endless list of thoughts going through Lily's mind right now. Is she thinking of ways to break up with me indefinitely? Wondering how she could have ever fallen in love with me? Contemplating how she can be with me knowing the worst part of my past? Or crying because she's had enough of my evil deeds and wants a better man for herself, even though she has strong feelings attached to me.

The thought makes my blood boil and my teeth to grind together. No matter how horrible I am to her, I never want her to leave me to be with another man. Sounds selfish because I am. From the inside out. I'm not ignorant to how fucking evil I can be. It's just how I've always been. I can't remember the second I lost all of my morals, but I can vividly picture all of the shitty things I've done in the past. There's too many to even attempt counting. But that doesn't mean I don't regret what I did; I do, truly. I've changed at the gentle hands of Lily, and I wouldn't go back to the person I was. I love who I am with her.

But now she might not be able to look past the wicked shit I did.

A wave of anger floods the momentary calmness, and I stand. I pace around the room, yanking at my hair so hard I think I'll pull every freaking strand out. I need to calm down. I need to let out the anger building up. It's overflowing, and when my eyes land on the expensive Mac computer sitting on the study desk, it becomes clear what I need to do. I storm over to the desk and raise the computer high, then throw it to the ground. The black screen multiplies into a thousand little pieces, but it isn't enough. I grab the lamp on the desk and throw it against the wall. It shatters and a piece ricochets and cuts my cheek. I taste the thick blood on my tongue, reveling in the violent impact. I snatch the printer and hold it up, ready to smash it on the ground, when the door flies open and my brother and father and his whore of a wife appear.

They all have wide shocked eyes as they look around at the mess I've made.

"What in the hell are you doing?" My father barks. He looks hilarious when he tries to look intimidating. He doesn't scare me; he never could, and he never will. Nothing is scarier than the thought of losing Lily.

"Do you really care? It's not like you can't buy all of this and more. Actually—" I look under the printer and shake my head. "This is pretty old; why don't you spring for the new one? Here, let me help motivate you." I throw the printer down and watch it skid across the ground, scraping the polished hardwood floor.

Catherine lets out a small shriek and my father shakes his head in disappointment, but Elliot seems unfazed.

"What do you think you'll accomplish here, Blue?" Elliot asks.

"Where's your model girlfriend? Want me to stop before I do this?" I grab the keyboard and throw it against the wall. More shrieking, more head shaking, less surprise. "Or perhaps before I do this?" I pace over to the night stand table, grab the small lamp, yanking it out of the wall socket and toss it across the room, landing on the wall.

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