Chapter Seventeen

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We would have stayed like this, his cold hands brushing away my emotional tears, a lot longer if it weren't for an employee in a tux coming out of a room and walking in our direction. He gave us a hesitant smile and nod, and, embarrassed, I stepped out of Blue's comforting hands and walked back to the dining area. Blue followed me after a minute or two. Delia teased us and asked where we went for such a long time, when in reality we were gone for maybe five minutes. I ignored her and avoided her amused gaze for the rest of breakfast. Blue kept quiet next to me, but he was a lot less irritable than when I found him. He actually smiled and didn't tell his father to 'fuck off' when asked to pass him the syrup. Everyone was shocked and so was I, but not all that surprised. After two weeks of radio silence, I just told him I'm considering forgiving him. He must be on cloud nine right now.

I can't lie and say I'm not floating in the clouds at the thought of being with him. Contrary to what I thought I believed all this time, I do want Blue. I never said I didn't. It was because I wanted him more than I'd ever wanted anything in my entire life that the betrayal hit me hard. Once I found out a huge part of our relationship was a lie, it was like I was punched in the gut and waiting on a breath that would never come. And now... now I still feel like I'm holding on for dear life, but now the prospect of relief seems more likely. Will I finally be able to breathe if I let him back into my life?

Should I even consider taking him back after what he did? What sane person would forgive him for what he did to me? I'm afraid taking him back would make me look like an idiot. What will his family think? Will they see me as a naïve girl who was stupid enough to not learn from her mistake? What about myself? Can I truly forgive myself for putting the whole game plot to the side and moving in with him, instead of moving on from him? I would never be able to live with myself if this is a part of his stupid game. If he were to hurt me tenfold, I would only have myself to blame. I don't want to absolve his idiocy only to get stabbed in the back again. Even if he does appear genuinely apologetic, it could be a trick.

Sighing, I shove my thoughts to the side and focus on unlocking my room door. Breakfast finished a few minutes ago, and everyone is relaxing in their rooms since the snow isn't slowing down anytime soon. Once inside, I neatly place the black high heels inside the closet before walking into the bathroom. I peel off the borrowed clothes and put them in one of the cupboards. I consider using the lodge's laundry to wash the clothes and giving them back to Declan. But he'd probably laugh and thank me for being considerate and throw them away, they're not his. But still to be polite, I'll just keep them in here. My extremely shower lasts for at least an hour as I get lose in my restless thoughts until it physically hurts to think.

I step out of the shower and grab a towel from the small rack on the wall, the same time I hear my phone ringing. Assuming it's either Delia or Catherine calling to visit the spa again, since they loved it so much last time, I make a note to call whoever it was back. I brush my teeth and feel brand new after I comb out my wet hair. Waking up in a strange bed in another person's house was horrifying and my worst nightmare. The bed was super comfortable, but I hate not being able to shower as soon as I get up. I feel my worst when I wake up in the morning. Well, it's a good thing I won't be doing anything like that ever again. I promise myself no more parties and absolutely no more drinking.

I walk into the bedroom and walk over to the dresser and pull out an old oversized high school T-shirt and pink shorts with stars on them. I feel strange dressing down like this. The only time I ever did was on Saturdays, when a new episode of whatever teenage TV show aunt Lyra was obsessed with at the time and a stack of pancakes, which I often denied and went for a fruit instead. Doing that always pissed of dad who'd work all morning on his fatty foods, but he'd go back to being his chipper self twenty minutes into the dramatic show. Thinking about those two always makes my heart ache and tears well in my eyes. I've done a good job of putting them and Blue at the back of my mind, but they rise to the front every once in a while, killing me every time they make it past all the walls I built up. I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would go back to how they used to be, but that isn't possible.

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