Chapter Eleven

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I spent the rest of the day watching Theo intently. He skied for two hours, then sled for another hour or two, had lunch at the lodge, and took a nap right after. He exhausted himself having so much fun he slept all up to dinnertime. I'm glad he had such a fun day, despite his brother stalking off after not getting the results he wanted. My heart broke when he sleepily told me he wished his brother was there when we had an impromptu snowball fight. Despite my harsh feelings toward his brother, I agreed and kissed his cheek goodnight and closed the door, nearly bursting into tears on the other side.

When his parents got back, Catherine gushed about the houses Samuel was working on closing. According to her, they were ten times more luxurious than their cabin in town. By the looks of her wide eyes and gesturing hands, she was the happiest I've seen her. Her estranged stepson raced here to hopefully reunite with the only girl he has ever loved, her other stepson and soon-to-be daughter in law are looking at venues for their wedding, lovesick over each other, and her husband's real estate business is booming. Everything is looking perfect once again... only her moody stepson ruined his only chance at true happiness.

I was so unsettled after Blue walking away that I skipped dinner with the rest of the family. Catherine was immediately suspicious and worried, but I told her my ankle was still hurting and I needed more rest than anything. Her and the others were sad hearing this, but they let me order room service and let me be. Truth is, I wanted to avoid Blue, who would only go and tolerate the people he loathes to suffocate me. I didn't want to sit next to him and push the food on my plate around as everyone else laughed and talked. It amazes me how he can be so nice and sweet one moment, then turn into a stifling ass the next.

I hate this. I absolutely hate having him here. Even though this is his family and he deserves to be here more than me, I hate that he is here, in the same space as me, breathing the same air as me. I'm angry as hell being just three doors away from him. He can get out of his room, walk a few steps, and beg me to take him back. I hate it, I hate it so damn much... because I just want to move on from him. Ignoring the incredible love I still have for him and ignoring the memories we shared is as hard as forgetting how to breathe. Everything with him feels so first nature. Waking up to him. Hearing his googled jokes. Listening to him play the guitar. Kissing his warm lips. Feeling his cold fingertips trace my skin. And now that he ruined our relationship, ruined me... I have to forget the feeling of being alive.

I just want to close my eyes and forget he ever existed. If you were to ask me if I regret loving Blue, my answer would be: yes, not only because loving him was my ultimate downfall, but because he made me realize what it felt like to be myself. Before him my life was just about three things: dancing, studying, and dreaming about more. But after him... after Blue... my dream about having more, doing more, feeling more came true. I felt love for the first time. I had my first kiss. Held his hand. Felt his love. I gave him my virginity with every ounce of my trust. I saw the future of him. Us in our newly rented apartment, barely scraping by, and sleeping on a mattress on the cold floor, blankets piled on top of our entangled bodies as we watched another of his beloved horror films. It was perfectly bittersweet. Bitter because I didn't know what the future held, but sweet because as long as I had him, I knew the journey of becoming us would be a hell of a ride.

* * *

I've been lying here in the darkness the whole night, unable to sleep for even a second, my mind too caught up in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. When the morning light sweep across the plush carpet and beams into my eyes, I roll onto my side, my arms sweeping out to the empty sheets. A twinge of anger and hurt warp in my chest. I slowly sit up in the king bed and push my hair back over my forehead. My eyes move around the room, from the sunlit balcony windows to my ringing phone. The default music of my ringtone finally registers in my head. I lean over the bed and see it's Catherine calling.

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