Love Letters

Decker

Dear Decker,

We are eighteen and all I want to do is reach over to kiss your lips. It's now at nineteen, that I understand why girls and guys can't be friends. I've known you since we were in diapers. Some people say that kind of friendship is like having brother or sister. For us, it seemed like the beginning of a perfect relationship.

Lately all I've been doing is looking in your eyes. After the doctor told you you would be blind by thirty, I can't help but, stare into those ocean blues. They told you it's called Usher's Syndrome. You'd go deaf and blind within a few years. And although most people would cry or run off to travel, you told me you found peace. To this day that is still something I don't understand but, I admire you for.

When I first found out about the diagnosis, I took a sign language class because you most likely go before you go deaf before you went blind. That way we could still communicate. I remember coming over after class and practicing with you. I remember you touching my hands- fixing them until I had the right hand posture. You had leaned in, and I leaned back.

The night I knew I was in love with you was when I stayed up all day and all night for you. Halloween 2017 was the night you would throw a party. I got on my best velvet dress, put on cat ears and called it a costume. Beautiful- when you saw me, you told me I look beautiful. You took my hand, lifting them above us so that I could do a spin. You kept saying wow. You knew how to make me feel like I was worth loving.

At the end of the night, we are all going to bed- except you. I told you I would stay up to wait but, you told me no. The boy who found peace in dark was still scared of it- that you would fall asleep and wake up in the dark with eyes open. You have slept with the lights on for almost a year. That night, I climbed into your bed, and held you. We didn't fall asleep. The night was silent except for a few exchanges of speech. Our bodies warmed one another as we held each other the entire time until morning when I had to go.

And I'm sure you thought I liked you then, but I never let you know it. I told myself to ignore those feelings but, I am reminded every time you look at me. You moved on into a new house with a new girl. I hope she's the girl I should have been because I am a phobic of love. I let our maybe slip. I still love you as a person and I think I always will. You are my best friend. So I still practice sign language but, now I do it alone.