(Qynka) how Lamantine died

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"OK, Qynka my dear, let's zoom in on you," bingey_effervezent says, turning away from Modo_the_grl. His eyes are piercing, highly-focused, with eyelashes that go on forever, like glamorous little insect legs reaching out in every direction. Eyes that will emerge from their sockets to crawl under your skin and dig around until they find all your secrets, dragging them back out into the light.

"Honey let's talk about you murdering your girlfriend."

"Hi bingey, ilusm," Qynka says. "Can I just say it's so important to be here with you tonight, this season has been just a huge journey of self-discovery for me. I'm honestly humbled by this experience, and so appreciative of the candor and honesty that everyone here has shown me, and just the learning and growth that has been enabled by my being here."

bingey smiles and opens his mouth but Qynka didn't skip media training like these other dumb bitches. This is her moment and no one else's. "And I would never want to mis-characterize your statements, but I did want to say that it's not entirely accurate to characterize Lamantine as my girlfriend, because at the time of her tragic death we had already parted ways, romantically. And I certainly have to own that the recency of that dissolution of our partnership was coloring my motives and behaviors that day when I went to see her. But despite her not being my girlfriend anymore, I certainly considered her a close friend, if not my best friend. And I don't think anything, ever, could have changed that."

"But what would you say about the fact that-"

"And furthermore, bingey, can I just say that Lamantine's death was so sudden and horrible and shocking, and on a personal level I miss her so deeply, every day. It's a wound, really, an aspect of my life where there will always be a scar. It's not something I'll ever get over, or get past. I mean how could I? But to say that I murdered her is bit misleading, given that her death was entirely an accident."

bingey pauses, letting the moment gain weight. "Wow. OK. So powerful, thank you for sharing your experience, Qynka. This season on Recovery has really been such a journey for you, it sounds like?"

Qynka nods her head, and keeps nodding, like she needs a moment to capture her many deep and heartfelt thoughts about her experience, which she absolutely does not. "I guess I would have to admit that I'm... I've met myself, for the first time, this season. If that makes sense?" She starts to tear up. "I'm sorry, I know how this sounds. I've seen the way my anger has influenced my behavior and sown such negativity in my actions. I've had so much time to reflect on the bitterness I was feeling, not just that day, but all around my breakup with Lamantine in general. It was certainly a struggle for me to accept the fact that she was ready to move on, because for me it wasn't just the romantic, the sexual. My love for her went beyond the physical, and I felt like, with the way she was pulling away, that she was not only rejecting our friendship, our partnership, not to mention our fans, but she was rejecting me, and who I was as a person. I felt like I was losing my best friend, that's what it really was, at the end of the day. Not to say that was even her intention, but that's what I was taking away from it, or that was all I could see, through the lens of my anger, in that moment."

"And so, what have you learned?" bingey asks. "What would you say you take away from your experience this season?"

"Wow. So much. But I think to sum it up, going forward my intention will be to approach my relationships - not just romantic, not just financial, but all of my interactions with the many brands I associate with - with a more genuine sense of..." She paused, like she was trying to find the right word, which she was not. "...openness. Owning my feelings, doing the hard work of separating what is true from what I experience as true. Not letting negativity override my better self. That's the direction that I feel like I'm headed now. And it's going to be different for me, for sure. It's going to be challenging and difficult and scary, and new. But I'm ready." She nods, like she's considering whether this was really true about herself. "I'm really ready."

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