Ellie is Cool Now

Chapter 16

I do the right thing and order a fuck-ton of pancakes, bacon (extra crispy), eggs over medium, and deluxe potatoes with cheese, bacon crumbles, and microscopic veggies. Apparently making out with someone else's significant other really fires up the appetite.

As I slide my menu over to the waiter, Brie eyes me with a question in her eyes.

"Can I help you?" I ask Brie as the waiter moves on to Roxy's order. A double order of bacon to go with her second double vodka Bloody Mary.

"I'm just surprised, that's all," Brie says. Her smile is too wide and too white. It's blinding.

"Out with it, Patty Simcox," Roxy says, taking the celery stick out of her glass. She throws back the rest with a satisfied gulp. I smile at the Grease reference. Brie frowns and cocks her head to one side, obviously not getting it. But her recovery is quick and her smile is like a rubber band that snaps back into place.

"You've been in LA for so long, I thought for sure you'd be a vegan."

My answering laugh is ironic. "Oh, hell no."

"Yeah, Ellie, where's your hemp necklace and Lululemon camel toe?" Roxy returns her celery stick to gather up what's left at the bottom of her glass, soaking up every last drop.

"LA is a truly divided city," I say, trying and failing to keep up with Roxy on the Bloody Mary front. "Vegans and the people who hate them."

"And you, miss?" the waiter asks Brie finally.

"I'll have the fruit plate," she says with a dimmed smile before she hands the waiter her own menu. Roxy snorts, and I kick her under the table.

When Brie turns around, her smile is strained. There is word vomit just dying to be hurled into the air between us. Vic once posted a meme on his Facebook wall of a giant piece of broccoli that said, How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.

Tina, good vegan that she is, didn't speak to him for a week after she saw it. They fought in alternating comments on the picture instead. I stayed far, far away from all of it.

I can tell Brie doesn't want to be one of those vegans, but might also go into cardiac arrest if she doesn't get to say it, so I opt to save her life.

"Are you vegan?" I ask. It's Roxy's turn to kick me.

The floodgates open and suddenly Brie's regaling us with stories of numerous horrifying Internet searches about how smart pigs are and how chickens love hugs, and when my plate of eggs and bacon arrive, all I can do is stare at my plate of dead animal friends.

Roxy uses one of her bacon slices to slowly stir her brand-new Bloody Mary before she holds it up to her lips. "Bon appé-fucking-tit," she says with a gentle pig snort before she takes a giant bloody bite.

It's times like these that Roxy reminds me of why she was once my favorite human on the planet. She does. Not. Give. A. Shit.

"How's round two treating you, Rox?" Brie asks, eyeing Roxy's already half-empty second drink. I glance over at Roxy. Her cheeks aren't even flushed. I'm not done with drink numero uno and my tongue is numb.

Roxy ignores Brie's not-so-subtle dig and points at my plate.

"If you don't want your bacon, E, I'll take it," she says to me over a mouthful of smarter-than-dogs meat. I push my plate over to her and she dumps my extra crispy onto the pile. I decide to fork-attack my stack of pancakes instead.

Brie strikes up a new boring conversation with Sharon Digby and her beefy husband. Sharon is neck-deep in one of those fitness MLMs and she immediately starts to sell Brie on the merits of Metabocraze, combination workout program and nutritional shake supplement.