A Twisted World

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Author: chic_with_brains

Genre: Fantasy/Sci-fi


I find the cover to be a bit confusing and scattered. I can somewhat see the background photo, but I think the cover could be changed to something slightly more visible. Additionally, the color of the title blends into the rest of the cover very deeply, so it is difficult for your audience to see the name of the story. 

Grammar errors:
Chapter 8: "The woman who happened to be a doctor, had already issued orders..." This sentence is a long run-on, and the way that it is structured confuses the audience. You may want to divide this into multiple sentences to clearly describe the event that is occurring. 
Chapter 8: "...In what was no doubt a painful manner But once more..." Here, you are missing a period after "manner."
Chapter 10: I noticed that there is a spelling error in the title of the chapter. You wrote "The Pre-Afermath," and I assume that you intended to write "The Pre-Aftermath." 

Something that you should be aware of is that the point-of-view should not change during a story. Most of your story is written in first-person point-of-view, but in Chapter 8+, there were sections written in third-person point-of-view. Although it is fine to change viewpoints from one character to the next, the point-of-view should never be changed (from first-person to third-person). You could fix this by selecting a specific character to tell the story from in first-person, or by writing the entire story in third-person-omniscient point-of-view. By doing this, you would be telling the story from third-person but describing different characters throughout the story rather than focusing on only one. 
Additionally, since many sections were written in third-person, it was difficult for the audience to follow the characters. I couldn't tell when you switched focus from Keith, to Audrey, to Kirstin, to Justin, etc. You must make it clear who is speaking and who is doing an action at all times. Without these descriptions, the audience can't follow what is happening at all. I was especially confused when you started the section by saying. 

I also found that your chapters are quite long and they cover many minor events. For example, Chapter 10 (The Pre-Aftermath), you described everything Keira did that day and what she experienced. Due to the amount of smaller events, you could divide the chapter into two separate ones so that they are more specific and based around a shorter range of events.

You do an excellent job of describing the story from a narrative first-person viewpoint. In the beginning of the story, I could picture Justin's smugness and worry over the trouble that he got into and the conversation that he had with his mother. Although the dialogue and the plot of the story are very clear, you may want to add some additional explanations so that the audience can really picture the audience and the setting. Perhaps you could give more descriptions on body language and how the setting smelled/sounded like. 

The characters are decently developed, and you did a great job of making the audience feel angry, annoyed, etc. due to the characters' actions in the first few chapters. Because I primarily read the later chapters, I couldn't tell if you intended to make Justin's mother seem unreasonable and selfish (as I didn't read about her any further than Chapter 2). In the second chapter, she became very upset when Maurice Zimmerman accused her son of hurting another child. It made very little sense why Sara would get upset, especially when her son was in the wrong. If you meant to make Sara seem very impatient and unreasonable, you did an excellent job, as it shows why Justin was so unruly and hostile towards other people. 


*Analysis is based on chapters 8-13 (later chapters as requested)


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