My Brother's Best Friend

68 4 3

Author: sumayyah_i

Genre: Romance

Mature


I find the cover to be a bit boring and not very attention-grasping. It could be edited to something that fits the plot slightly better. I think the title fits the story quite nicely, and your readers already have an idea of who the characters are and how their relationship is. 

I think the blurb is interesting, but it gives away too much information, and your audience can already predict the ending. You explain Georgina and Adam's lives, and that doesn't leave much to explain in your story. I think you could shorten it down quite a bit so that you mainly address Georgina's difficult life and Adam's great one. By mentioning Georgina's child, how she lived in many foster homes, etc., you are leaving very little to add into your story. Your audience wants to read the characters' experiences and feel how they are feeling without being able to predict so much from the beginning. 

Grammar errors:
Chapter 1: "By the time I'm downstairs his uncle has him flying in the air trying to catch her." Who is the "her" that you are referring to here? Be sure to keep pronouns consistent as you write. 
Chapter 1: Same mistake as above: "He soon starts spooning her pancakes into his mouth while..."
Chapter 2: "...I hear everyone whispering really shadyily..." The word "shadyily" is not a word. I assume you intended to write "shadily" or "secretively."
Chapter 3: "She's Latino, what do you expect?...I've got some Latino blood in me too... I guess I'm more Latina than her." The words "Latino" should both be changed to "Latina" since you are writing about girls. Especially since you used the word "Latina" in the end. Be sure to keep this correct and consistent.  
Chapter 3: "...as soon as its there it disappears." Here, the word "its" should have an apostrophe since you are writing it as "it is."

Throughout the story, I noticed quite a few run-on sentences. You may want to give your writing to a friend to proofread, as other people can often spot the mistakes that we skip over. 

I think the chapters contain too many little bits of unrelated information. For example, in Chapter 1, you explained Georgina's morning schedule and then incorporated a text from her friend about Coachella. Then, you suddenly mentioned that Rosalina plays the violin. This information isn't necessary to know at the time, and it really just draws the reader away from the rest of the story. 
I also find the sensory details to be almost nonexistent. You clearly explain what the characters are doing, but there aren't any other details that make the story come to life. For example, in Chapter 1, you could describe how breakfast smelled, how Georgina's house looked, how she felt around her brother and Adam, how the environment sounded, etc. By adding in small details on the setting and characters, the audience has a much easier time imagining story. 

I noticed that you also mentioned a word count at the end of each chapter. This demonstrated that you may be more focused on quantity than quality. It seems that you want to write long chapters, so instead of stringing in small events (such as simply how the characters got dressed, took a shower, etc.) you could elaborate on the more important events and relationships in the story. This would make the story much more interesting and attention-grasping to your readers while simultaneously bumping up your word count. 

I think the characters could use some more details in order to make them more lively and relatable. You primarily describe who they are through their dialogue and actions, but you hardly incorporated any of their thoughts. When the audience doesn't understand who the characters really are and what they are thinking, they have a hard time following the story and feeling the characters. I think you could definitely add in some additional personality traits and describe how the characters feel around one another. 
For example, in Chapter 2, you wrote in parentheses "(They call me George as a nickname, because my name is Georgina)." The audience doesn't want to read sections like this where an explanation is completely separate from the story. The character would be much more lively if you showed the audience why the characters called her George. Perhaps you could write something like "I gave a small smile at the nickname. My family and closest friend are the only ones who call me George." And incorporate that her name is Georgina in the first chapter so that your audience is already caught up. By simply stating things about the character, you are stripping bits of their personality that could be easily expressed in those sections. 

You may also want to mention how old the characters are. I imagined Beckham to be a toddler, yet he converses with the other characters as if he were their age. This could be clarified for everybody. You also may want to describe how the characters look. Even though you posted some face claims, it never hurts to add some descriptions throughout the story. 

Overall, I thought the story was cute and interesting, but some changes could be made to make it more attention-grasping and exciting. 


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