The Quest for the White Dragon

30 4 1

Author: Audrey_Writez

Genre: Fantasy

The title is absolutely perfect for the story, as it briefly describes the plot without giving too much information. The cover is also cute, and the font and color is very appealing. 

Grammar errors:
Chapter 3: This isn't exactly a grammatical error, but I noticed that Chapter 3 was formatted differently than the first two chapters. The text in Chapter 3 is centered rather than aligned on the left. Be sure to keep this consistent as you write. 

I found a majority of the word usage and descriptions to be somewhat plain. For example, in Chapter 1, the audience has no idea what the setting looks like, who the characters are, etc. Is Ayla watching the mayor's announcement on television? Is she seeing him in person? This needs to be clarified, because the audience cannot link the events of the story with any location. Chapter 2 also starts off quite boring because of the missing information in the first chapter (You did not clearly explain how Ayla was feeling, why it was disappointing that the second to last white dragon died, etc.). The audience couldn't imagine why Ayla was so determined to find the last dragon in the second chapter. You need to explain why the white dragon is so important to her in order to make the story more lively and exciting. 

I found the first few chapters to be a bit bland, and there were many holes in the plot. In Chapter 1, the mayor mentioned that the second to last white dragon had passed away. Why is the white dragon significant in the world that your story is based in? Why is this such a large event that the mayor needs to announce it? These areas could be described more clearly, as your audience doesn't understand the point of the white dragon and why everybody is so disappointed. 

The plot also moves at a very fast pace considering how little details are included. Why do Ayla and Cormin want to find the dragon so badly? Why do they care so much about it? Why are they willing to simply run away from home for the dragon? Why didn't Cormin seem very shocked when Ayla presented her plan? Cormin only seemed to care about how the dragon was dangerous in Chapter 2, but he didn't seem to worry about his sister running away from home, traveling to a different country, etc. Overall, this area is rather unclear and could use some details to make it seem more realistic. It was extremely fast-paced because of this, and the audience couldn't imagine why Ayla was so determined to find the dragon. Her thoughts really weren't clearly expressed, and she didn't seem sad or scared to be running away from home. The thoughts and feelings of the characters as a whole could be described more thoroughly. 

Additionally, some actions really don't link up. If Ayla really wanted to run away from home to find the white dragon, she should have covered her trail so that her mother couldn't find her and bring her back home. By taking her mother's credit card, her mother would be able to track Ayla's transactions and locate her children. Additionally, she could simply cancel the credit card in order to keep Ayla from running away further. This could be thought-out a bit more so that the character's actions are more clever rather than foolish. This happened again when the twins lied to the taxi driver and said they they were husband and wife. 
The stunt that the twins pulled with the fake IDs is also very unrealistic. IDs are made of plastic with aspects that make them almost impossible to forge correctly. They also contain a series of information and a printed picture. It is very unrealistic how Cormin could simply draw pictures onto the back of business cards and claim that he and his sister are adults. IDs also have different colors depending on the state/country that you are from, and it is unlikely that a business card could have the same color. A passport is also a much more legitimate form of ID, and it can be accepted all over the world, whereas IDs can be rejected in different places. There was no need for the TSA agent to ask for a passport AND an ID card, especially since the passports have their true ages printed on them. 
Also, the timeline doesn't make much sense. In Chapter 4, you explained how the twins were still in the taxi at 11:30 and their flight took off at midnight. Generally, flights begin boarding half an hour before they take off, and it takes me much longer than half an hour to get through security and get to my gate at an airport. The events that occur in the story would not realistically fit within the timeline that was provided. 
These areas could all use quite a bit more editing in order to be convincing and realistic. 

The chapters are also incredibly short, and it feels more of like a summary of how you imagine the story rather than a true experience for the characters. You should elaborate on who the characters are, how they live, where the story takes place, what the significance of the white dragons are, etc. Without these details, the story really doesn't come to life, and the audience struggles to grasp what is being explained. I think the chapters contain a decent amount of information, but the descriptions are so brief that the events seem much more basic than they actually are. You could lengthen your chapters quite a bit by simply drawing out more explanations. 

The story is told through lots of dialogue, which allows the audience to imagine what the characters are saying, but not how they are feeling or thinking. The dialogue and use of voice gives the characters some personality, but more could be added to it. For example, in Chapter 1, you simply described how Ayla's face fell when she heard the mayor's announcement. The audience can tell that she may be disappointed from her facial expression, but you should go into more detail about how she was really feeling. Was she shocked? Upset? Sad? Excited? Areas like these should be elaborated on so that the audience can really imagine the world, events,  and relate to the characters. 

Something you may also want to mention earlier in the story is how old the characters are. I had absolutely no idea how old Ayla was, so I was a bit shocked when she simply started packing her things to go find the dragon. I expected her to be very young (and she did end up being quite young), and I didn't think that she would do well on such a long journey with only her brother. This was also confusing in Chapter 4 when Cormin and Ayla convinced the taxi driver that they were adults. Because they are twelve, this didn't make much sense to me. It is quite easy to tell a twelve year-old apart from a twenty-six year-old. 

Additionally, if Cormin and Ayla were twins, then how did the taxi driver believe that they were married? Most people would be able to see that they are siblings and not fall for such a trick. 

Overall, I think the story has a creative plot, but it needs to undergo some big changes before it will seem convincing and realistic to the audience. The grammar and writing is great, but some details could be added to make it flow more smoothly and to make the story more interesting. 

*Analysis is based on the first 5 chapters

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