I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.
-MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I loved Sadie.
Yeah, I knew it was pretty early in our relationship to be sure of something as serious as love. I knew it, though. It was kind of crazy how confident I was about how I felt.
I couldn't pinpoint exactly when I fell in love with her. Can anyone do that? People claim that love at first sight exists, but I don't really believe that. You have to know someone to love them. I'd known Sadie Petrelli for over a year, and god knows I'd known her in the most intimate ways. At some point, I fell in love.
Even if I couldn't identify when it happened, I knew when it hit me.
Winter break had ended and Sadie was back in Toronto to start her final semester of school. She was anxious about her future and I think that bled over into our relationship.
One Wednesday, she texted me.
Sadie: Can you meet me for coffee?
Me: Sure
Me: What's up?
Sadie: We need to talk.
I don't think there are four words that can fill a man's heart with dread as much as 'we need to talk.' Maybe 'I might be pregnant,' was worse, but they both had the potential to ruin your day.
I met Sadie at a small café near my condo. It was late in the afternoon and the place was empty.
We each got a drink. I got an Americano and she got a latte. We brought our drinks to a pair of leather club chairs that were nestled in a corner at the back of the coffee shop.
"What's going on, hun?" I asked. I saw no point to beat around the bush. If she had something to say, I wanted to get to it.
"Do you ever think maybe we should break up?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. "Before things get too serious."
I just stared at her. I could not believe what I'd just heard. I was speechless.
"Shawn?"
"You're kidding, right?" I asked. "Things have been amazing ever since we got together. Beyond amazing. Jesus Christ, Sadie! Why would you say that?"
"I-I just don't know if I can do this. I have to apply for a job, finish this semester, graduate, possibly move. Everything in my life is up in the air." She took a deep breath. "And on top of that, I just don't feel worthy."
"Worthy of what?" I asked.
"Worthy of you."
It hurt to hear her say this, like a punch to the gut.
"Why would you think that? And why would this come up now? We've been together a while."
I was trying to stay calm, but inside I was feeling panicked. The thought of losing her destroyed me.
"It's been at the back of my mind forever. When we were just fucking, it didn't matter as much. When we started dating, it started getting to me."
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Fanfiction"You know I changed my mind about you. I love you," she said. "I love you, too." I felt a pang of guilt. We were talking about the past, so this was an opening to get what I needed to off my chest. I couldn't though. She had graduation and the job s...
