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'her'

"I'm staying late

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"I'm staying late. You guys go ahead."

He said without looking back at the others. They all stopped and turned to look at him, not only did they look at him in question, they also looked at him with pity. He was able to hear that the shuffling in the room had stopped and although he wasn't looking, he could feel the six pairs of eyes burning through his back.

"You don't have to, hyung. They were just small mistakes. We can fix them when we come back tomorrow." It was Jimin who had spoken to him in a sweet but persuasive tone, in an attempt to convince the older to come back home with them and take a break.

But no. They weren't just small mistakes. If they were just small mistakes I could have easily recovered them. No matter how many times you guys try to help me, I just humiliate myself.

"I'll be fine Jimin. I just need some time to practice on my own." He turned to look at them with a small smile. He was trying to make it look somewhat believable, make them believe he was actually okay. However no one said anything in response. Only looking at one another with uneasiness, they knew how much dancing stressed out the older and they would be lying if they said they weren't worried for him... and hesitant to leave him alone in this state. Sensing their hesitation, he was about to speak up again until someone beat him to it.

"Alright, just don't be too hard on yourself." Hoseok smiled before slowly walking away, and one by one the others following him shortly after. He could feel the hesitation within them but he hadn't really given them the choice to stay. Just before Jimin was able to make his leave, he turned around and gave the older one last supportive smile. He waved him off and just like that, Seokjin was left alone.

But what know one knew was that he was waiting for this moment. A moment where he could finally be left alone. A moment where could drown himself in his own self pity. A moment where he could take himself back to his trainee days and count every mistake he's ever made. His awkward personality, his ugly singing, and his shitty dancing were enough to make him regret everything. Everything from his idol life to his existence as a whole.

It was hard to do things like this back at the dorm. At the dorm he would always see the six smiley faces of his dongsaengs and if they were not happy, it was his job to get them smiling again. He had responsibilities. He needed to look after an entire household along with six kids he felt were his own. He had taken it upon himself that the house was always clean and the food was always cooked (with the occasional help from the others at times).

He was always guilt ridden when he looked at those faces after he would do what he did. The same faces he would tell "everything's gonna be okay" and "don't worry." Was he a hypocrite for saying everything was going to be alright when he himself, was not alright? When deep down he knew he was not okay?

Seokjin hated seeing them upset and that's why he's earned the title of the "goofy hyung." But what if the goofy hyung was just an image to mask the real Seokjin. A Seokjin who deep down was sad and depressed, and felt insecure.

He took a glance at his bag. That's why he stayed here. That's why he was staying away from his members at the moment. That's where the medical supplies were. That's where he found therapy.

That's where he'd find the blade.

So he grabbed the straps and carried the bag with him to the bathroom.

He set the bag onto the counter and took a final glance to make sure the door was locked. He turned on the tap - the water would come in handy later. He slowly pulled the fresh blade out but didn't take action yet.

Am I doing the right thing?

He was hesitant to do so but his state of mind told him otherwise. He placed the blade on top of his wrist and with a deep breath he pushed it in. He could see his blood pool around the base of the blade and in one smooth motion he dragged the object across his skin. He had made his very first cut. And of course as creative as he is, he was going to name them.

That one's for my weak singing.

He repeated the process once more. Pushing the blade into his skin and running it across the surface in a clean swipe.

And that's for my pathetic dancing.

He was almost mesmerized by the art he created. They way the blood seeped out of his skin and dripped into the sink. How the dark scarlet would swirl it's way through the clear and turn the water red while it flowed down the drain.

But he felt that the pain wasn't enough, this was his punishment after all.

He took his arm and placed it under the cold running water. He winced when the water hit the cuts but nonetheless, it felt great. He watch as the water went from white to red. Soon enough the amount of blood that was coming out died down and the water was turning to its original colour.

Well that's no fun.

Seokjin thought about doing a few more before remembering that what he was doing was already risky enough. And besides he has never done this before so he has no idea what the healing process will be like - whether if it's a long one or short, or if it's easy or painful. And so much to his dismay, he eventually settled for cleaning off the blade with some water before packing it away nicely. He shut off the tap and then went to wrap up his wounds with a strip of bandage he had found in his personal first aid kit. Once he had cleaned up his mess and double checked that the bandage was secure, he unlocked the bathroom and made his way back to the dance room to collect the rest of his things. As he was leaving the room, he ran some water from his bottle through the tips of his hair to make it look sweaty. Seokjin considered requesting a driver to take him back to the dorm, but then he remembered that his weight said other wise and opted for walking instead. He put in his headphones after checking out of the building and he prepared for the walk back to the dorm.

Almost as if nothing had happened. Yep, he was practicing his dance the whole time.

°•○☆○•°

Back at the dorm: bangtan pov

They had just arrived home and everyone was exhausted from the long day they had. There wasn't much communication between the six during the ride home. This usually indicated one of two things; they were either tired or something was on their minds. This was the case for Hoseok and Jimin.

They both had a gut feeling that something was wrong, but neither could find out what it was. Both were fine throughout the whole day but the paranoia started after they left the dance room. It was a grim feeling in their gut that they just couldn't point out.

Something was wrong.

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