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I slipped out of bed at 7 on the dot as i always did. I shuffle to the door and out into the hallway, avoiding Kitty who was rocking back and forward in the hallway, as she always was at this time of day.

Making my way to the meds counter, I see Nurse Jamie mixing the meds and putting them into the little white paper cups. I don't particularly love taking the meds but I am aware of two definitive things here-

1, it was impossible to not take them anymore. The nurses always make me stand and swallow them infront of the counter and poke my tongue out to prove that i have. And 2- If somehow I wasn't forced to take them, I would hate the thought of what might happen.

It had been months since my last attack and the haze that the drugs created was way better than the nightmare of the attacks, better than what happened when i woke up there.... with all the people that were hurt or worse.

It was simple, take the meds and live a semi normal life, well, as normal as my life could be in this institution I called home for now.

It is  almost a year that I  had called Betastone Lodge "home". I am almost become accustomed to the regimented life of each day. Wake up, take the meds, sleep off the after affects, lunch, therapy, more therapy and then one on one sessions with Dr Jasper.

It wasn't the life I wanted to live but whatever they were giving me here had stopped the attacks for two months solid now and that gave me a glimpse of something I haven't had in a while,  hope.

But i still feel like something is missing. Like I almost miss the attacks as much as I hate them.

Maybe one day i wouldn't have to live this secluded, lonely and controlled life. Maybe I wouldn't always dream about my body burning and splitting into pieces. Maybe one day I wouldn't dream about turning into a wolf, the doc called it delusions but something feels like it is more than that.

Maybe one day I could actually leave, healed and whole and find my family, if I still have one?

Maybe soon i would find someone that believes me when I say, I'm not sick. I know it. Because in my heart, i have always known. I just can't explain why any of these things have happened.

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