32. A million men dying

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I love this gif it's so full of emotions and worth watching a hundred times over. (This gif is a part of this chapter not added just for fun. LOL)

***

Dozens of calls... From Clark.

'He cares...' Was the only rational thought I could muster.

Hundreds of messages:

'Please tell me you are okay.'

'Please answer me.'

'I can't lose you.'

'Just please forgive me.'

'Please, please just answer my call.'

'I need to talk to you, please.'

'Please, please, please Fay.'

'They told me you are hurt.'

'I just need to know that you are alright after that I won't ever reach out to you ever again if you don't want me to.'

'You can't be dead. I won't be able to live with myself if you are dead.'

'Just answer me, please.'

'I'm going to call you in two minutes please answer me.'

'I'm begging you.'

I was speed scrolling through the 346 messages he had sent me, each similar to the last one. Each breaking my heart. He had needed me and I hadn't been there. Clark thinks I'm dead or that I'm dying. He thinks I've been ignoring him. The thought was unbearable but each second I was getting closer to home. Hadn't he gotten my calls or my texts?

He's been all alone...

I finally reached the latest one sent just over an hour ago: 'Please, don't be dead. Please, come home. Please... Just don't be dead. We still have time. You can't be gone yet. I need you.'

"How long until we are there?" I asked the driver, feeling a tear slide down my cheek.

"Half an hour."

"Make it 15 and I'll pay you double," I said, clenching my phone, feeling my heart beat so fast. 'Why am I hurting like this?'

After paying double as promised I practically ran out of the car and up the stairs to the highest floor of our apartment building.

Freezing at the last step I couldn't move a muscle. The scene in front of me paralyzing me with fear.

The door to our apartment: ripped from its hinges basically torn to twigs.

It took a moment for me to get out of the trance and walk into the apartment it was trashed. Holes in the walls and broken furniture everywhere. Mirrors smashed and glass everywhere. Our belongings thrown around and wrecked.

It looked like a tornado had gone through the apartment.

I stepped into the living room and saw Clark. On his knees on the floor in the middle of the room. Shirt torn from places. He looked broken, not like the Clark I knew. Couch thrown upside down to the other side of the room and TV smashed, looking even more horrible than the hallway.

He was breathing hard, his hands clenched to fists, teeth pressed together and face full of pain. It looked like he just broke down: his hands unclenching and a vein popping up in his forehead as he let out the worst sound I have ever heard. Eyebrows drawn together as his eyes filled with tears, his mouth opening as he let out a yell that would haunt me for the rest of my life.

Full of suffering and regret, self-loathing and loss. It made me feel like my soul was being ripped out of my body. It was like his whole being was letting out its pain and anger. His whole body trembling as his agony echoed off the walls, sounding like a million men were dying. Made me feel defeated like there was nothing good in the world anymore.

Clark felt like my whole world like nothing else mattered at that moment, and I felt like I had failed allowing him to make a sound like that. Made my heart shatter.

When the yelling ended he froze solid, staring blankly into space. Just before it had looked like he still carried a flicker of hope, but now it was lost as he stared unemotionally into the abyss, before sobs took over his body. Allowing his emotions to take over he cried like like Mother Nature on the rainy season, tears seeping through his shirt and the burn hole filled carper below him.

Drawing in a shaky breath I took a small step forward: "Clark?" I whispered.

Breathing heavily Clark calmed at my voice, before burying his face in his hands. I could hear he was muttering something desperately and silently, but I couldn't make sense of him.

"Clark?" I repeated and took another step.

Saw him draw in a painful breath and then hold it.

"Clark..." It wasn't even a whisper anymore, I could barely hear my voice myself. It was a released breath with his voice hushed in the middle. Almost nonexistent.

When I reached my hand towards him, he still wasn't looking at me; hands covering his face like vines on the entrance of a cave, completely hidden from the world.

The tips of my fingers grazed the ends of his hair, before starting to stroke it comfortingly. I dropped down to my knees next to him, ignoring the pain that it caused. I could feel my cheeks getting wet from my own tears, but wasn't even sure when I had started crying.

I reached out with my other hand and pulled his hands away from his face.

"Clark... Look at me." I pleaded, getting a firmer grip on the voice I had lost for a moment.

He stayed still, eyes unseeing and still, gazing on the wall in front of him.

"Please Clark..." I said and turned his face to look at me. "Do you see me?" I asked, just a whisper in the wind, blowing through the broken window in the living room.

Clark's eyes slowly turned to mine, his as he looked at me: "Fay." His voice was rough but still sounded so weak.

"I'm here." I said and allowed my hands to cup his face.

"Did I... Did I finally die?" He asked, eyes filled with relief.

"No... No Clark you aren't dead." I said shaking my head just a little bit, feeling utterly confused by his proclamation.

"No, you are here, so... I must be dead now." He leaned in to connect our foreheads and leaned into me much more heavily than I thought, causing me to lose my balance and fell to my back, Clark above me. He buried his face to my hair and took a big gulp of air. "You smell just like I remember. Grass just after it's mowed and lavender..." He sighed in content: "Now that I got you back, I don't ever want to let you go again."

"I'm right here. You don't have to."

***

So writing this hurt my very core/soul. I love Clark so much I hated doing this scene do sorry for ripping all your hearts out.

OMFG I JUST REALIZED THAT WE ARE NEARING 100 PAGES TO THIS STORY!

That's a landmark! How exciting!!!

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