a few thoughts I had (8/31)

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would people cry at my funeral?

it's all inevitable, leaving our corporeal bodies and going somewhere far away. whether you believe in some sort of afterlife or not, we'll die. our memories will be like handprints on a handrail, our faces will be easily forgotten, and we have nothing else but the time we have now.

it doesn't feel like people would cry. I don't think I would have accomplished enough. my personality is filled with control and not enough enjoying the moment. I have friends, but they are handpicked and chosen. even then, I'll lose first. they will be victorious, I will fail. my presence isn't something special. my days are constantly numbered, from my bad habits to my bad thoughts. bad...thoughts.

why would I choose my own hand to die when some people don't even have a choice?

suicide is a funny joke for this generation. an overplayed joke with hidden repercussions. there are people who have so much to live for when they don't have a choice. you see people dying of accidents or illnesses or unannounced- yet so many people want to die by their own hand. some cannot bare what life offers. I wish I could offer them sympathy. they do not deserve to feel such a way, a majority of the time. those who use it as an overplayed joke- it's saddening...but comedy has deteriorated for some areas and suicide jokes are usually the trend. the occasional "fuck" is dropped and that always gets a laugh...no matter how shitty the joke is.

why can't I develop as a writer? this is useless. the work I make is useless.

I see the same mistakes as I write. there's some sort of tone, some sort of flavor that screams my pen name. some sort of flavor that screams my name when I write in school. is it that self-deprecating thought that seeps in when I create? I'm not too sure. in the back of my mind, I fear as though I can't write. fanfiction is fun, but it's not like I can create wonderful artistry and make new storylines that don't feel as cliche. I've read fanfictions that seem like they could be movies, but when I see mine, they just feel like words clumped together. maybe one day I will develop. I need to destroy my nervous habit first.

what's this for?

I don't want to write in my problematic book, so I tried something new. I'll see what happens. I already have a few regrets and other miscellaneous lined up.

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