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My head whirred like a broken machine, not functioning, but being as loud and unbearable as possible. By now my thoughts had blurred into meaningless white noise, drawing me into a completely unnoticed silence and absence from any conversations that still managed to drag on. My eyes stared blindly at whatever was in front of me, unmoving, unfocused, and unseeing.

I tried to get a hold of myself, shake myself out of this state, but it had grasped me tightly. If I thought at all, the only subject of anything crossing my mind would be negative and I'd mulled over most things anyway. All I could do now was repeat what I'd thought before.

I knew a few of my comrades were safe. But I had no idea about the others. They could be dead, dying, or hurt. The possibility of them even surviving was minimal, and all I could do was worry, watch the toxic part of my mind create images of deathly cold faces. I wasn't in the best company to bring me out of thoughts like this, so all I could do was fall deeper.

"Are you okay, Woojin?" Hyojin's voice broke through the manacles that had bound me to the marred remains of my mind and sanity.

"If anyone is okay, they're insane." I muttered, trying to get a sense of what was going on back, trying to be aware of my surroundings again.

"Are you slightly okay, then? Even just a little bit?"

"No." My lips trembled as I spoke. "No, I'm not okay. Why would I be okay? The whole world's gone to shit, when it already was shit, and I'm scared, I'm confused, I don't know what to do. I can't even think properly, I can't breathe sometimes, because every time I try to my whole thought process breaks down, and I have a panic attack. I don't understand myself anymore, I can't even remember the person I used to be before I made the biggest mistake of my life."

"Woojin, don't regret your actions. What's done is done, there's no point moping over the past." Hyojin tried to reassure me in the sort of way she would, but it only made me more worked up.

"You know, I think I was happy. I was fine turning a blind eye to injustice and fucking mass murder. I had a family I loved, and they loved me, and now their faces are slipping from my mind because all I can imagine is how they'd hate me now."

"Look, if they hate you that's their loss. You are standing up for human rights, fighting against a corrupt government, fighting for justice. What you are doing is right. You shouldn't care what other people think, because they're all morons who could never understand. Your parents don't need to love you, and you don't need to love them. Just be proud of who you are now, and the cause you're fighting for."

Her words made sense to me, and I felt jealous that she could think that way. Be so nonchalant and confident, to disregard anyone else's opinion if it didn't correlate with hers.

"I wish it was that easy." I sighed.
An empty void, devoid of anything. Nothing, and everything. Everything was happening in a spontaneous order of overwhelming and traumatising, terrifying and heart wrenching. So many emotions swirling around in a tornado of darkness, truly from the depths of hell, controlled by the devil's hand. It was chaos.

I didn't even know what to do, I needed something to hold onto, or else I'd be sucked into that darkness, and I'd lose myself. Everything had changed since the beginning, all our dreams had come falling down.

I'd committed previous small acts of rebelling, but one day, the nine of us had gotten together, decided it was time to take greater action. We killed innocent people who'd got caught amidst the gunfire, but we'd ignored their cries and only heard the ringing of gunshots in our ears. We'd been outnumbered, and we'd had no choice but to run eventually. We had finally tipped the scales over the edge, we'd crossed a line and we could never step back behind it.

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